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40 Things You’ll Never Hear A Fraternity Man Say

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  1. Bernie Sanders was the last hope for our country.
  2. Throwing up will not help you drink more. That is a dangerous myth.
  3. Those cargo shorts look awesome.
  4. It’s pretty late so I better not text her.
  5. I’m gonna skip the post-workout. I’m trying to get swole naturally.
  6. I’ll have the kale salad.
  7. Remember, guys. One drink per hour at a maximum.
  8. These Sperrys would be way more comfortable with socks on.
  9. Hello, sir. I don’t believe we’ve met before. Welcome to our party.
  10. Guns are scary.
  11. Check it out; I got a new wide bore drip tip for my vape.
  12. That’s enough hazing for one day. Everyone sit in a circle. I want to hear about the real you.
  13. Let me put on a condom first.
  14. Actually, can we just cuddle instead?
  15. These shorts are too short.
  16. Get your hate speech out of our safe space.
  17. Her ass is just too big.
  18. Sometimes all you need is a good cry.
  19. Your sunglasses would look way cooler without those dorky croakies.
  20. There are wayyyy too many girls at this party.
  21. I’m so sick of hearing “Wagon Wheel” every damn night.
  22. You know, paddling is kind of gay.
  23. The fraternity next door is just a great group of guys.
  24. Who erased my recording of Gilmore Girls??
  25. My place. Friday. Yahtzee night, motherfuckers.
  26. Guys, guys, stop fighting. Let’s talk this out like real men.
  27. Don’t jump. It’s too high!
  28. Check out my new Rolex. I bought it myself.
  29. I can’t, I have an early class tomorrow.
  30. I’m more of a cat person.
  31. Pass me the aux, bro. It’s time for some “Formation.”
  32. For God’s sake, woman, cover those up!
  33. No, no, that’s okay. I’ll clean it myself.
  34. YOLO.
  35. Swag.
  36. Guys! SHHH! The neighbors are probably trying to study.
  37. Cookout is disgusting.
  38. All I said was “turn to page 69.” I don’t get what’s so funny.
  39. So tell me about your ex.
  40. I don’t like beer.

To listen to TFM’s writers fuck around on the airwaves and tell their dumb, drunk stories, subscribe to The Inside TFM Podcast on iTunes and listen below.

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Alex Buscemi

AKA Boosh. Former high school back-up wide receiver. Author of two pretty successful Reddit comments. Recent grad from the University of South Carolina.

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