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41 Things Not To Say To A Cop

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  1. “Just let me finish this beer first.”
  2. “Talk to the hand.”
  3. “Can I hold your gun?”
  4. “Well OBVIOUSLY I wouldn’t have sped if I knew you were there, chief.”
  5. “Excuse me? I’m pre-law, I know what I’m talking about.”
  6. “Hey man! Come on in! Have a beer!”
  7. “Aren’t stop signs more of a suggestion anyway?
  8. While getting a pat down, ask, “My place or yours?”
  9. “Are we gonna do this the easy way or the hard way?”
  10. “I’d like to speak to your managing officer, please.”
  11. “That’s a cute hat, where’d you get it?”
  12. “No YOU spread ’em.”
  13. “Do you have a daughter?” If he says yes: “Ah, I thought your name sounded familiar.”
  14. “Come on, officer. I’m not drunk. Pinky swear?”
  15. While getting a pat down, ask, “Should I turn my head and cough?”
  16. Touch him.
  17. Hold up the statue of baby Jesus you stole from a nativity scene and say, “Don’t do this. Not on his BIRTHDAY!”
  18. “Black lives matter!” (if you’re white)
  19. If there’s a passenger in the car with you, start speaking with them in tongues. Look over at the officer and laugh.
  20. “Bad cop! No donut!”
  21. “How’s that quota coming along, fuck face?”
  22. Ask a bike cop, “Is that a Huffy?”
  23. “How many unarmed people did you have to murder to get stuck busting house parties?”
  24. “I wanted to be a cop once… when I was three.”
  25. “Hold my beer so I can pull out my license.”
  26. “Why don’t you just shut up and kiss me already!?” (angrily)
  27. “Do you know who my dad is!?” (unless your dad is a cop)
  28. “Of course I was speeding. Did you see the size of that dragon chasing me?”
  29. Scream, “Is THIS what you want!?” and start tearing off your clothes.
  30. Instead of signing your name on the papers, draw a big, veiny dick.
  31. “You’re not in Iraq anymore, man. I have rights.”
  32. “Is that a baton in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
  33. Ask, “Who do you know here?” at the front door of the house party.
  34. “Is this gonna be on COPS?”
  35. “Oh I’m sorry, I thought this was America!”
  36. “Just warning you now that I have diarrhea of the explosive variety. Whatever happens in the back of that car is on you.”
  37. Whisper everything he says back to yourself.
  38. “Cunt.”
  39. “We didn’t order any male strippers. You’re looking for the Beta house.”
  40. “I pay your salary.”
  41. “These aren’t my drugs, they’re Jimmy’s!” *point to empty passenger seat*

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Alex Buscemi

AKA Boosh. Former high school back-up wide receiver. Author of two pretty successful Reddit comments. Recent grad from the University of South Carolina.

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