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47 Signs You’re Trying Too Hard

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There’s absolutely no shame in being a guy people refer to as “fratty.” None whatsoever. Sure, depending on the person, there could be a few negative connotations. However, anyone who thinks the average Greek lifestyle makes you a bad person is the kind of hippy, drum circle-loving, meat-is-murder, independent asshole who most of us would never want anything to do with anyway. That said, you can take the lifestyle too far very easily. One day you’re out, minding your business and taking home quality women and the next you’re monogramming your boxers.There’s a line between fraternity gentleman and try-hard, and it’s a thin line to walk. If any of the following applies to you, you might have strayed to the wrong side of the absurdly expensive poolside cabana in the Caymens.

  1. Nothing but Maker’s is allowed in your personal cooler, even if that is wildly impractical. Besides, no one puts an entire bottle of whiskey on ice.
  2. When you go home for summer, you force your little brother to do elephant walks with the family dog.
  3. You refer to any girl who has so much as given you a lingering hug as your slampiece.
  4. You have a wall-sized framed portrait of Roger Dorn with “Thank You, Based Dorn” written under it.
  5. Thanks to $100K in student loans, you bought a ski boat. This was only to prove that asshole who said you need a boat to wear boat shoes wrong.
  6. You special ordered car-sized croakies so your frathoe could have a pair of sunglasses identical to your own. It just looks like a really terrible Lyft knock-off.
  7. During chapter meetings, you established a weekly report of things the chapter needs to read from TFM so they can all, and I quote, “Stop being so NF.”
  8. Telling your mom to make you a sandwich the second you walk in the door for summer break.
  9. “I own a $2.5 million startup” being your opening line when you don’t even own a $25 startup.
  10. Your Instagram account is just gym selfies.
  11. All of your furniture is made of used cans of Skoal chewing tobacco hastily duct taped together.
  12. You sleep 100 percent in the nude and without blankets because “warmth is for pussies.”
  13. Guys de-pledge your house with legitimate, wartime PTSD because of the torture you put them through.
  14. You have actually water-boarded a pledge.
  15. You got drunk, forced your way on stage, gave a speech, and stole an award at a national fraternity conference.
  16. Professors refuse to grade your papers because you insert “Fr” in front of every noun and verb to make them frat. Basically, you’re frailing (frat failing) all of your frlasses (frat classes).
  17. “I pay your fucking salary, pig,” to any cop who shows up to the house to bust a party.
  18. “My lawyer on retainer is going to legally shit on your life,” to the cop who throws you in a holding cell at the station after busting up the party.
  19. You tell her dad, “Easy big guy, I won’t do anything you wouldn’t have done back in the day,” before taking his daughter out on a date.
  20. “I never go down on a girl, because frat stars are always above everyone else.”
  21. You use your campus job to pay for your expensive and underused, personal tailor.
  22. You refuse to own a color of clothing that is not pastel.
  23. Vineyard Vines has given you a permanent frequent buyer discount.
  24. The only apps you allow on your phone are PornHub, Fratty Bird, and the TFM app.
  25. You decide your votes for major, national elections by whose fraternity or sorority was better at your school.
  26. You have taken a photo with a cardboard cutout of George W. Bush and made it your Facebook profile picture.
  27. “I golf every day, bitch.” You’ve only ever spent 30 minutes at a driving range with your dad in your entire lifetime.
  28. You’ve taken several calculus classes just to develop your own mathematical proof that your chill to pull ratio is 5:5.
  29. You have been featured on Fail Friday and don’t understand why, even though you had several bow ties on and looked like someone wardrobed you in your grandmother’s best set of curtains.
  30. When someone talks about the chapter ACB, Yik Yak, or anonymous gossip, it’s about you…and not in a good way
  31. You maintain a Twitter gent account. Seriously. These things were fucking stupid from day one.
  32. Your #WhyWeNeedFrat message was, “I don’t need frat, frat needs me.”
  33. “I’ve fucked more than 20 girls in the last six months,” but really you only fucked three girls, if you count the two awkward cuddle sessions and an unenthusiastic hand job.
  34. You treat every lost pong game like the opposing team just committed a terrorist act against America.
  35. In the campus gym, there isn’t a single girl with shorts shorter than yours.
  36. You take 100 grams of protein a day, because there’s not biological limit on that shit for a frat star’s metabolism.
  37. You do coke “because all that disposable income needs to go somewhere.”
  38. During your time as president, you enlisted two actual bodyguards and attempted to get a Secret Service detail. You were legitimately upset when the request was denied.
  39. Your parents’ house wasn’t big enough for your summer party, so you broke into someone else’s larger, nicer house and hosted it there instead.
  40. You have never worn a forward-facing hat.
  41. You look like a walking American flag on a daily basis, to the point that elementary school children start reciting the Pledge of Allegiance when you walk by.
  42. Anyone who disagrees with you is immediately a communist, regardless of his or her actual political affiliations.
  43. You do all of your running and working out in Sperrys, khakis, and a button-down.
  44. It’s a requirement that anyone you sleep with only refer to your dick as your frock.
  45. The only patterns you know are plaid and seersucker.
  46. The one semester there wasn’t a toga party on the calendar, you threatened to drop and pledge another chapter.
  47. You petitioned your university’s Greek office over not being hazed enough as a pledge.

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Scientist, internet comedian, future supervillain. I still refuse to believe I've graduated college.

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