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As undergrads across America round out their finals and dive headfirst into a summer of hedonism, it is important that we lay down some ground rules. Summer is an exceptionally good time to drink excessively, chase tail and generally dick around. However, even at the most lax time of the year, it is imperative that you remember to never be “that guy,” AKA a total jamoke. This assclown can be recognized through many disciplines, whether it be how he dresses, what he drinks, or how he generally carries himself. While we all have our own ways of identifying total jamokes at social events, I’ve decided to break down five key ways to avoid being the person with whom nobody wants to associate this summer.
1. Stop the incessant Snapchats
Snapchat is great, but only for specific purposes. Snapchat stories posted by men should be reserved for events that are either outright hilarious or absurd — nothing else. A story of your pledge brother dancing with a MILF at the bar or blacked out on the beach: funny. But the third picture that day of a meal you cooked at your apartment or your feet dipped in a pool: stop. You also become infinitely more insufferable if you EVER post a story of you singing “God’s Plan.”
2. Do not wear sunglasses inside
Yes, I understand that it’s summer and people wear sunglasses in the summer. I do the same. However, it takes a special kind of tool to fail to understand that wearing your sunglasses inside — especially at the bar — is wholly unacceptable. All sunglasses inside says is, “I have no attractive qualities and a shitty personality, so I rely on ironic attire to separate me from the crowd.” Croakies exist for a reason; spend $9 on a pair or just carry your sunglasses in your hand. Just do not wear them inside.
3. Put down your fruity drinks
While this is certainly a year-round epidemic, this issue becomes amplified during the summer months. Bars have drink specials on beverages that are far too sweet for any self-respecting fraternity man to consume, and even cheap domestic beer brands release fruity summer editions. Despite the temptations you may feel, it’s important that you fight them and stick to your guns: cheap light beers and bold hard liquors. Twisted Tea is the furthest you may venture into the world of sweet drinks; never any further.
4. Relax with the unnecessary consumption methods
I know what you’re thinking: unnecessary consumption methods are cool as hell. And yes, this is usually true. With that being said, keep your detonators, stone colds, and long pours reserved for guys’ nights. Nobody likes the guy at the pool party who regularly soaks partygoers with beers as he drunkenly slams them into his face. When was the last time you heard a woman utter something along the lines of, “As soon as he detonated that Bud Light and absolutely soaked myself and everyone within 15 feet of him, I new I had to go home with him?” Never.
5. Quit bragging to friends from high school
If you find yourself at home for the summer, much of your time will be spent hanging out and drinking with old buddies. There’s most likely a lot of catching up to be done, as you probably haven’t seen each other since Christmas break. As entertaining as it can be for you, you must avoid coming off as a braggadocious asshole at all costs. There is a line to be drawn between entertaining people with stories from your fraternity and coming off as a dick that you should never cross. A funny story about your formal is one thing, but nobody is impressed by how hard you hazed a pledge in the fall; that’s supposed to be a chapter secret anyway..