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Over the past 3 weeks, I’ve been on a steaming hot gambling bender. In my last 15 picks, I’m 13-1-1, which brings my season total to 31-16-1. Mookie Bets hasn’t been so Mookie, and I hope some of you have been along for the ride. If not, fuck yourself, plebeian. I’m trying to make you money here.
This week, I am giving you 5 free NFL picks so you don’t have to shoplift like LiAngelo Ball. After these picks hit, you won’t have to steal from a fucking Chinese Sunglass Hut and get bailed out of prison by Donald Trump or your dad. Probably your dad. Anyway, let’s get into some winners that’ll win you some bread.
All lines via Mybookie.ag. Hit them up for all your gambling needs.
Patriots vs. Raiders – Patriots -7
This game is being played in the Estadio Azteca in Mexico, which is weirder than an Iowa Pop-Tart and cheese sandwich. Neutral grass in Mexico plus Tom Brady and the Pats equals a big win. Like I’ve said before, Pats -7 is my favorite line right now, and I’m going to continue to pound it out like a sex-deprived truck driver.
Eagles vs. Cowboys – Eagles -3
Christian Bale is getting fat for a movie and Zeke Elliott is finally taking his suspension. Coincidence? I think not. The Cowboys without Zeke are about to implode like Christian and start losing gains left and right. Also, the Birds are tied for an NFL best 7-2 ATS, and -3 is easy money for them. Fly Eagles Fly, and fuck the Cowboys.
Lions vs. Bears – Lions -3
The Bears are due for another NFC North slugfest with the Lions after losing to the Packers at home last week. They are also due for another division loss at home, as the Lions are about to screw the Bears harder than the judge that screwed Meek Mill and sentenced him to at least two years in prison. Free Meek, and lock in the Lions.
Buccaneers vs. Dolphins – Under 40
This game is going to be a shitshow. It’s Jay Cutler vs. Ryan Fitzpatrick in the battle of Florida, so I’m expecting about 25 turnovers. Plug in the under.
Rams vs. Vikings – Under 46
Both of these teams are hotter than Nicki Minaj’s new magazine cover, but this week I think they get cold. Jared Goff has gone for 666 yards, 7 TDs, and 0 picks in his past two games, and there is no shot he keeps that up. Ride the under in Minnesota.
Well, those are my picks. Once they hit, you can buy your own sunglasses. Either way, it’s gambling SZN and I’m happier thank Jonathan Byers after he got laid for the first time. As always, hit me up on Twitter @ConesDeal to discuss, keep up with my bets, or call me a fuck. .
Image via Wikimedia Commons