Vin Diesel has played a wide variety of characters, and, in the process, kicked a wide variety of human asses. Dude can’t go anywhere without leaving a trail of mangled heaps mildly resembling human corpses in his wake. But between the thrashings and the locker stuffings, Vin’s taught all of us a thing or two about life. In partnership with Paramount Pictures and their new movie xXx: Return of Xander Cage (coming to theaters January 20), here are 5 lessons that have been taught to us via Vin Diesel’s past performances.
Glamor Muscles Won’t Win You Any Fights
Dwayne Johnson’s character’s got probably 70 pounds of pure muscle on Vin’s in Fast Five. As is the case with most Dwayne Johnson scenes, the costume designers very clearly ordered his T-shirt a size too small and then just rolled with it so that “The Rock” looks more like “The Overstuffed Sausage.” Your opponent’s bulk doesn’t matter when you’ve got the technique, though. Sure, Vin would’ve lost if this was the Mr. Olympia contest, but it wasn’t — it was a no-wrench-holds-barred bloodthirsty fistfest. And who came out on top? Vin. You don’t need the size if you’ve got the skill.
Always Question The Nature Of Your Reality
What are you, a Westworld host? If you aren’t Elon Musk-ing it and constantly making sure your existence is really an existence at all, you’re living life like a bitch. Wake up sheeple! Right now does it look/sound/smell/feel/taste like you’re just chilling in your room reading this article? Yeah? Well open your door — for all you know there’s a specter made out of salami and prune juice dead set on sucking your eyeballs out through your nose. Probably not, but if you aren’t prepared for any reality, you’ll die in ignorance.
Friends Will Be The Death Of You
I had no idea they were all Groot. That Groot was Groot? Obvious. But that Star-Lord and raccoon man and green girl were also Groot? Shit, man; I didn’t see that one coming. I’m almost certain Groot was wrong, though, and that only he was Groot all along (until he decided to give his life for his friends). Which leads us to a sad realization: having friends is a fast track to death.
You Can Kill Someone With A Tea Cup
Before I saw this Chronicles of Riddick scene, I thought that a 32 oz. YETI Rambler was the smallest beverage receptacle capable of ending a human life. Then Vin popped into my life and taught me that a lowly tea cup, if used (in)correctly, can cause instant, painful death. The more you know!
Vin Diesel Will Be The Death Of You
It doesn’t matter the movie (I guess unless that movie is Saving Private Ryan) — Vin Diesel was cast to kick your ass, and that’s exactly what he’s going to do.
Image via YouTube