The other morning, during a typical manic episode, I decided to shave a smiley face into my pubes. It turned out to be a wonderful decision. After binge drinking at tailgate followed by binge drinking at a bar followed by binge drinking at a party (there’s a trend here), I was lucky enough to make a young lady’s acquaintance. Following the tried and true practice of nodding my head as I handed her a drink on the way back to my place to bang, things got hot and heavy. As she unzipped my drawers and prepared to fellate me, she noticed my danger zone’s new look. For the first time in my life, a woman’s peal of laughter was not directed as my remarkably average puddlejumper, but at the aesthetic of my pelvic region. Just as vag-azzling changed the game for womenfolk, this new take on pube styling is going to take your bone-throwing to a whole new level.
Here are some new wave designs that will take you from post-coital crying to pre-banging prowess.
1. Your Fraternity Flag
Take flag waving to a whole new level when you introduce a slam to your little brother. They’ll be so blown away by your level of commitment that she’ll tell all her friends that you’re the most disciplined man on the planet.
2. The Apollo LM-5
You’ll be going to infinity and beyond with this interstellar look. Marking your member’s lunar surface with a display that invokes a time when America was getting everywhere first will have her feeling like a virgin. She’ll be taken out of this world by your cock rocket.
3. A Cheetah
You’re familiar with the principle of “fearousal,” but did you know that it applies to more than boners? The ladies are just as prone to getting a little tingly from terror as well, and a badass cheetah will have her moist with the thought of an impending mauling. Go from 0-70 in no time at all and make her your gazelle.
4. Smiling Poop Man
Had I been in a regular state of mind, I totally would have gone with this over a pedestrian smiley-face. Laughter is something a lady does from the diaphragm, and if there’s one thing I’m trying to slip into at face level it’s that. Few things are worse/better than a sad blowjob, so just take the bad out of it with the third best emoji on the planet.
5. A Second Wiener
So your man meat isn’t as large as you’d like. Why get insecure when you can get proactive? Carve a symbolic phallus into your forest primeval like the Mayans of old and wow her with your understanding of ancient cultures. The reputably small-donged Irish have been constructing phallic symbols for years, and their beer-maids pop out kids like it’s going out of style. Maybe work on your pull out game, but you’ll still have her singing “Danny Boy” with your stellar look.
It’s free, it’s easy, and it’s going to get you laid. Go out and make those pubes a work of art, you degenerates..
Image via Shutterstock