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Helllllooo, Mookie Bettors. Last week, I said you were morons if you didn’t ride my picks. Turns out you’re a full-blown nematode if you didn’t ride, because I went 5-0, so suck it.
To all the loyal Mooks out there, you’re welcome, and feel free to send me some JUUL Pods if you’re feeling generous with your winnings. My season pick total is now 42-20-2, and since October 27th? I’m 24-5-2. I’m hotter than Kim Kardashian circa 2007, bitch.
This week I’m going to get you paid like Roger Goodell. If that smug fuck can swindle $200 million from the NFL, then God damn so can I. Let’s hit it.
All lines via MyBookie.ag
Eagles vs. Rams – Eagles +3
The Birds played horrendously last week against the Seahawks, but now it’s time for them to bounce back. This is a matchup between two NFC powerhouses and a battle between two of the best young QBs in the league, so you could say I’m as excited for some football as this dude who kept playing the SEC Championship game on the back of his car in Atlanta.
Did I mention the Rams are practicing a silent count this week to prepare for the thousands of Eagles fans coming to dominate their stadium? SAD! Fly Eagles Fly, and fuck the Rams.
Redskins vs. Chargers – Under 46.5
I’m more passionate about taking Chargers unders than this dude is about keeping house parties legal in Hollywood.
Damn, Chad, that was compelling.
Anyways, the Skins have to travel cross-country to LA, and the Chargers’ elite defense is going to shut down their mediocre offense. Ride the under.
Seahawks vs. Jaguars – Seahawks +3
I hate the Seahawks, but they know how to play at the end of the regular season. Since 2012, they are a league best 20-5 in the months of December and January, which is more ridiculous than Tupac’s ex-girlfriend selling his dick pick for $7,500. Like c’mon; you could get way more for a photo of that dude’s schlong than barely enough to buy a used car from 2009.
Anyways, the Seahawks aren’t losing, so ride their spread and sprinkle a little dough on their ML if you’re feeling it. Go Hawks.
Raiders vs. Chiefs – Chiefs -4
The Chiefs are on a four-game losing streak, but this week they’ll roll around on the Raiders like Emily Ratajkowski recently rolled around in a heaping pile of spaghetti. It’s about time the Chiefs get a win, just like it was about time Tennessee found a head coach. Fuck, even I was up for that job. Good luck, Pruitt; I’m sure your leash is long as hell.
Both the Raiders and Chiefs are locked up at 6-6 in the AFC West, and I think the Chiefs have enough gas to finish on top of that division. Andy Reid, please don’t let me down like you did for an inordinate amount of years in Philly. Please.
Patriots vs. Dolphins – Patriots -11
The Patriots cover spreads like a Subway sandwich artist, and I can’t stop ordering sub-par hoagies that make me shit my brains out. I’ve been on the Patriots spread almost every week this season, and I’m not going to stop now. Even without Gronk, the Pats are still good enough to beat the Dolphins by two, maybe three touchdowns. Ride New England on Monday night.
Those are the picks, and if you ride them, you too can get paid a ridiculous amount of money for no reason like ol’ Rodgey G. Feel free to hit me up on Twitter @ConesDeal to discuss or keep up with my bets. Let’s win some bread..
Image via Shutterstock