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5 Sports Superstars Whose Legacies You’ll Have A Hard Time Explaining To Your Kids

lance armstrong athletes

5. Oscar Pistorius

Pistorius will leave a legacy as the first Olympic athlete to compete as a double amputee. He became uber famous during the 2012 Olympics as the “Blade Runner,” then murdered his girlfriend with the defense that it was an accident (apparently he treats everyone who comes into his house as an intruder and shoots at them sight unseen). He was convicted — but not of murder — and apparently in South Africa famous dudes get super short prison terms so he got out quick. After his initial release, however, they somehow retried him and he got convicted of murder this time — but was only sentenced to six years in prison (and he will get out way earlier than that) because famous guy. Classic.

4. Michael Phelps

The gangly kid from Baltimore is the greatest Olympian of all time, winning 23 gold medals over the course of 5 Olympics. Phelps, once seen as a consummate role model, has had multiple DUIs during his time in the spotlight. What tarnished his reputation the most, however, was a picture of him maybe taking one (1) bong rip, because that’s apparently the worst thing anyone can do ever. Lucky for Phelps, only one of his sponsors jumped ship during that scandal (it was Kellogg’s; fucking narcs). One sponsor who didn’t jump ship during this time? A sandwich company we would soon find out is a poor judge of character when it comes to its spokespeople. After his Olympics career was finished, Phelps decided to race a shark for Shark Week. Pretty weird.

3. Tiger Woods

Eldrick is one of the most complex dudes on this list. He was the world’s number one golfer for years, and many think he’s the greatest who’s ever played the game. He was one of the first child prodigies with an overbearing dad who grew up to be not only a success but actually normal… or so we thought. A while back we learned that he had been cheating on his hot wife for a really long time with a lot of random gals (including Perkins waitresses). She eventually went apeshit on him because of his infidelity and he has never been able to recover mentally. His DUI mugshot was one of the most viral pictures ever, but it turned out he wasn’t even drunk (he just got painkillered out). Oh, also he likes to train with Marines but when he invites them out to dinner he doesn’t cover the tab even though he’s worth $740,000,000. Good guy.

2. Lance Armstrong

Armstrong is the first and only bicycle rider to ever gain any amount of fame. Basically, he became famous for beating cancer, winning a whole bunch of races, and being the one-balled guy who bagged Sheryl Crow in her prime. His foundation sold these little yellow bracelets, and if you had one you were cool (but they were always sold out everywhere; like they were essentially impossible to find). Everyone always accused him of cheating, and he would deny it hardcore… until one day when he finally got caught. He had to go on Oprah and give a fake apology to cover his ass. His reputation never recovered and is still in the septic tank.

1. O.J. Simpson

The story of Orenthal James Simpson will stand the test of time. It is the most famous case of gross injustice maybe ever, in which an NFL Hall of Famer, broadcaster, and movie star with an all-star legal team allegedly got away with murdering his wife and her supposed lover.

All the details of that circus are wild enough, but it’s what happened post-trial that makes his legacy hard to explain. Like yeah, he got off, but then he was broke so he wrote this book that basically described how the murders went down. Then he got arrested for trying to steal his own memorabilia (that may or may not have rightfully belonged to him) in Las Vegas and was sent to prison. The “show me the money” guy played him in a TV show, and everyone is talking about him again like it was yesterday. Have fun explaining that.

Image via Shutterstock

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Dent

Washed Up Former Athlete.
Totally over my ex-girlfriend.
I hold the distinct honor of being the only player in my school’s history to receive a football scholarship without being able to bench 225 lbs.

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