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5 Takeaways From My Recent Excursion Through A Walmart

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I have no idea how they haven’t yet created motor oil that doesn’t need routine changing, but alas I recently went to get a lube job at the local Walmart because I keep it classy. With an hour to burn (they like to take their sweet time), I strolled through the store. These are my observations.

1. You Can Buy Bubble Wrap In Bulk

This was a surprise. I’m not sure what the utility of 200 feet of bubble wrap is, but I want in on it. At $14.95, that is a steal that no person with a brain could pass up. You could pull endless pranks; bubble wrapping cars is one of the greatest gags ever. There’s no quicker way to ruin your friend’s day. Try it out.

2. Bargain Movie Bins

Shopping bargain movie bins is a pastime that I will never give up. Fuck a Blu-ray; discounted DVDs are where it’s at. They look awesome on the grainy low-res projector in my room. Ladies love it.

Typically, the bargain bins I peruse are priced at $5. That’s the industry standard. But these Walmart motherfuckers? $3.97! In my unsophisticated brain, that’s like half-price. Logically, I bought 5 (that I will probably watch no more than once apiece).

3. People Still Wear Toupees

I am far too cheap to get my oil changed anywhere other than at a Walmart, ergo this recent journey was not my first Walmart rodeo. The guy who checked me out at the register was the same guy who checked me out the last time I’d been ’round those parts except for one key difference — this time he had hair. Well, kinda. It was the most ridiculous toupee I’ve ever seen. Just a blonde mop that did not match the rest of his body at all. He looked like Nick Swardson’s character from The Benchwarmers.

4. Plus Sizes

I’m a fairly large human being. Not ashamed to admit it. Not obese, but fairly large nonetheless. This means I’m always on high alert for larger sizes, and Walmart is a fat person’s paradise. They just casually have every shirt in up to a 6XL. Along those same lines — these things may or may not be correlated — there seems to be an unusually large fleet of scooter carts to hop on and shop on. Give them credit — they know their customers well.

5. Sleeves Optional

Walmart customers don’t really fuck with sleeves like the general population does. This client base is one that proudly rocks tanks regardless of how flabby their arms are. I realized during my safari that part of this may be because 90% of the summer clothing sold at Walmart is sleeveless garb. All this time I’ve been going to Goodwill to try to piece together an outfit for each White Trash Bash, but now I’m wiser. Walmart all the way. The amount of patriotic tanks with bald eagles on motorcycles and ‘MERICA emblazoned across the front is all you need to out-trash the competition.

Image via Shutterstock

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Dent is a washed up former athlete who swears he's totally over his ex-girlfriend. One of these days he'll get around to applying to a real job, but until then he'll keep pumping out lackluster articles while downing copious amounts of Natty Light.

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