While, like sex and pizza, even the worst alcohol is pretty much gonna be okay, some diabolical mixtures and budget-friendly conceptions languish in the depths of hangover hell. That should probably be my opening line at the next AA meeting I’m forced to attend.
Here are five disgusting libations that almost necessitate sobriety. Notice I said almost.
5. Miller Lite
From the bizarre spelling to the inexplicable refusal to counter Budweiser’s “America” can with something fittingly patriotic, the best thing Miller Lite has ever done is claim that moderate drunkenness resulted in our accidental births.
With a taste comparable to collected rain water and foot sweat, Miller is the rare beer that cannot quench even the most dedicated beer drinkers thirst, no matter the stifling temperatures. The taco bell meat of “lite” beer, I’m convinced the “patented brewing process” consists of a Splenda packet filled with dried “hops” and a hose, resulting in the “natural separation” you’ll enjoy as the sand-textured finish to your horrific can of beer.
Pro tip: for a special treat, try Miller Lite warm for what I imagine is the fulfilling sensation of urine consumption.
4. Dessert Flavored Smirnoff
It should go without saying that, as a proud fraternity gentleman, you should not be risking your fake ID to purchase Smirnoff “Whipped Cream” edition. Seriously, have some self-respect. But, aside from the United States military, there is only one entity on this earth that has never been defeated: pussy. There’s a very legitimate chance the woman you’re hoping to, or already are, fucking will want this monstrosity of a fifth, and it is likely in your best interest to begrudgingly oblige.
This will undoubtedly taste terrible, but that is not the true issue. My friends, this shit is so filled with sugar, at the risk of getting too scientific, that your hangover will have you seriously questioning your life decisions and continued commitment to alcohol. Seriously. If you’re looking for a horrible drink that will leave you wondering whether or not the ceiling fan is actually turned on, opt for the candy flavored dream killer.
3. Bacardi 151
Unless you’re an insufferable douchebag, and from the comments section we all know who you are, avoid 151 like the Bubonic plague. No, absolutely nobody gives a fuck how many shots you can “rip” of this highly flammable liquid. Yes, getting drunk is great, and that’s fine. But there are other ways to do it than with kerosene disguised as something fit for human consumption. This shit is cheap, tastes like what I imagine the water in hell to be, and will leave you limp dicked and slobbering all over yourself worse than your first freshman year sexual experience.
I’m not a fan of rum by any means anyway. A man should drink good bourbon, whiskey, scotch, vodka when attempting to get hammered quickly, and always a cold beer. My father once told me, “If you’re thinking about doing something stupid, don’t.” Take his advice; obviously, I haven’t.
2. Popov and all similarly priced vodkas.
If you’re still drinking out of plastic liquor bottles, it’s time to reassess what the fuck is happening in your life. Plastic bottle drinking is reserved for hotel mini bars, alcoholics (the sad kind, not the fun ones) and the homeless. So unless you’re having a destination formal or following your football team to an away game, grow the fuck up and spend more than 5 dollars on your buzz.
I think a general rule of thumb should be to avoid potato-based liquor in general, as it tastes fucking horrible and will have you contemplating whether it’s possible for a migraine to expel your eyes from their sockets. No respectable woman, or at least one with a vagina that doesn’t resemble an old tube sock, wants to take shots from a communal water bottle, nor fuck the guy that stacks flavored Burnett’s above his bed.
Have some self-respect.
1. Smirnoff Ice/Mike’s Hard Lemonade
Seriously. If you drink this shit at the tailgate, you might as well paste a sign on your stomach with an arrow pointing directly to your penis that reads “Out of Order.” This sugar-ridden, calorie-counting garbage packs about as much alcohol as sugar-free gum (look it up) and will leave you soberly defending warranted questions as to your acceptance into the fraternity.
Yes, some women will drink this. That’s fine. A lot of them give head too — does that mean you should? Exactly. If, by some miracle, you survived hell week with zero alcohol tolerance and/or a complete inability to stomach the taste, stick to a tasteless beer (here’s looking at you, Coors) and hide your ineptitude until the day you graduate.
Trust me, the guy that pulls respectable pussy with a “Blackberry Lemonade” Mike’s in his hand is the unicorn of fraternity life: nobody’s ever seen it, and adults don’t give a fuck anyway. Try beer..