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By this time every summer, I desperately miss the campus gyms. My sacred gym time is now spent quietly at a certain purple and yellow chain fitness center, living in constant fear of the ‘Lunk Alarm’ as our great aunts and weird, bald neighbors choke out every square foot of gym floor. Worst yet, there’s not a decent, early 20’s piece of ass to be seen. Even the young counter attendant certainly wasn’t hired on her looks. In the spirit of missing peak hours at the upper-campus weight room, I’ve compiled a list of 5 girls you’re most likely to encounter at your on-campus gym.
Honorable Mention: The androgynous Chinese girl
Is she wearing fucking rain boots? Did she get lost on her way to a chem lecture? Is she even a she? One thing’s for sure, fitness is the first thing she hasn’t been the best at. We’ll just call her in Inda Wei.
5. The girl who only comes with her boyfriend.
She spends her downtime browsing exercise Instagrams and retweeting b&w pictures of couples sucking face while they do joint pushups, commenting that “this could be us” or #relationshipgoals. Her poor, whipped cuck of a boyfriend must train his eyes to stay fixed ahead, lest his significant other decide they need a new gym so he can “focus better.” And God forbid he were to work out without her.
4. The girl who just wants you to gawk.
She’s a God damn walking billboard for Victoria’s Secret and she’s only here to be seen. Just to make sure you notice her new $40 Pink leggings, she’ll do Romanian deadlifts for an hour, 2 feet from the mirror. Did you notice the sleeves on her spandex jacket match the accents on the soles of her shoes? Surely, it’s a coincidence.
3. The serious power lifter.
Your boner is just as confused as you. She’s got legs like tree trunks. If she ate coal, she’d shit diamonds. And she’s using big girl weights. But what can be done about that square jaw and those vascular forearms? Still would.
2. The pelvic-thruster.
If you’ve ever noticed a girl lying under a smith machine, pushing the bar up with her hips and thought “what the fuck is she doing,” congratulations, you’ve encountered the pelvic-thruster. Her workouts are not-so-subtle ways of training to be a freak in the sack. She’s the only who dares use the gynecological examination machine (you know, the one that supposed to strengthen your ball muscles or something). Get this girl a Shake Weight™.
1. The ‘fam’.
Of all the groups of girls to encounter in the gym, the ‘fam’ is the worst. They move in packs of 3 or 4, all wearing the same over-sized sweaters with their letters on the back, over black leggings, with their hair pulled back under a baseball hat. There might be one hot number out of the group, but you’re sure to catch the ire of the other 3 sisters when one of them catches you eyeing up her hotter, blonde little. Usually, they’ll be attempting some bizarre, one-legged squat that one of them saw on Buzzfeed, while you watch from afar, secretly hoping she eats shit. For the majority of the time, though, they’re just wasting space and being a nuisance.
Still would, though..
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