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50 Shades of Grey Has Increased Rope Sales; Guess Why

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Has any book ever turned a group of people into sex crazed pervs more quickly? I assume that back in the day old people started banging more frequently after The Bridges of Madison County was published, but this is different. I’m not necessarily complaining, if I get some because a girl had just put down a copy of 50 Shades before hitting the bars then awesome for me! But don’t expect me to auto-erotically asphyxiate myself while a gaggle of clowns spray our naked bodies with seltzer and make an interpretive balloon sculpture of our love making session. Is that what happens in the books? I have not read them. It seems like something that happens, though.

One thing is for sure though, cotton rope is mentioned in the books, and cotton rope sales are up for at least one hardware store. In fact sales have gone up so much that the hardware store owner, Bob Wipplinger, has actually created a list of other items that his store sells and are used sexually in the 50 Shades series. I assume this means that at some point in the series Christian Grey shoved a ball-peen hammer up his ass. Again, haven’t read the books, but that seems like something that would have happened.

I just hope Bob Wipplinger is ready for the consequences of his actions. Yes it’s nice to have the extra business, Lord knows in the economy you can’t turn a customer away just because they walk into your store with a raging erection, but what has started out as a nice sales boost may soon become a moral dilema. Are you ready for the blood that will inevitably be on your hands, Mr. Wipplinger? If a ninja like David Carradine couldn’t survive sexual choking then you better believe that one of the clueless, asexual, middle-aged husbands using your products will have a slip up sooner or later. Imagine how awkward it will be bringing a casserole over to the new widow Johnson’s house after your product choked her husband to death. He was five months away from retirement and that gold watch from the insurance company, now that’s all gone because of your ropes and whatever the hell else they’re buying from your store. Paint thinner? Do they huff paint thinner before fisting each other in 50 Shades of Grey? Probably.

But no, seriously, if your sexual appetite leads you to the hardware store then, well, good luck with that.

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