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Columns

53 Generic White Guy Names And What They Say About You

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1. Todd: His only friend is his mom, because no one likes him.

2. Chad: Backwards hat enthusiast into his late 30s.

3. Trevor: His parents have bailed him out of jail at least three times.

4. Garrett: He’s your quintessential dork, in all facets of life.

5. Kyle: He somehow weaseled his way into the cool group without anyone noticing or caring. “Oh yeah, I forgot to call Kyle.”

6. Charlie: A legend in his own mind, very rarely delivers.

7. Preston: His family is from the northeast. Has never seen a black person in real life.

8. Chase: Kid from the ‘burbs who was cool in high school then flamed out after graduation.

9. Stuart: He thinks he has pro potential in multiple sports, ends up in sales.

10. Christopher: Eurotrash douche bag. Just go by Chris, man.

11. Brian: Intramural sports enthusiast with a poor GPA.

12. Bryan: Tries to pick up women with his acoustic guitar.

13. Colin: Smart, quiet guy who routinely picks up girls way out of his league. Possibly homicidal.

14. Ross: Forever overweight, but he makes up for it with his sense of humor.

15. Isaac: Makes time in his schedule to argue with the crazy “You’re all going to hell” campus protester.

16. Carson: Raised upper-middle class WASP but somehow got two girls pregnant in high school.

17. Greg: Way too serious. Only likes athletes who “play the game the right way.”

18. Richard: Had a rough, penis joke-laden childhood. Still lacks self confidence.

19. Tom: Strong chest hair game.

20. Phillip: Straight-laced guy who lived by the rules until he got to college, then became the family outcast by doing drugs and getting arrested multiple times.

21. Connor: He low-key deals hardcore drugs while maintaining the facade of an upstanding member of society.

22. Jack: Gets to GameStop two hours early for every new Pokemon game’s midnight release. Tells people he’s there for Call of Duty.

23. Travis: Was way too into Emo music in high school. Now he calls it “alternative rock” and wears girl jeans.

24. Ian: Classic nerd. Hangs out with Garrett.

25. Doug: Feels naked without a sweater vest on.

26. John: Likes to drink a lot more than necessary, forgoes any longterm gym commitments.

27. Spencer: Skating and surfing is cool and fun until you have to pay your own cell phone bill.

28. Martin: Carries an umbrella at even the slightest chance of rain.

29. Garth: …..

30. Adam: Way too comfortable with locker room nudity. Watches too much South Park.

31. Rob: Really into show tunes and will sing for a girl on a first date.

32. Cameron: Pretentious douche who’s going into law school and lets everyone know about it.

33. William: Your typical blonde-haired, blue-eyed middle of the pack white kid. Second stringer on all varsity sports. Insists that you call him William, and not Bill, Billy, or Will.

34. Josh: Totaled his dad’s vintage Chevy junior year.

35. Neal: The village asshole with no filter.

36. Aaron: How much fucking weed do you need to smoke, man?

37. Nick: IQ of 80, habitual confuser of “your” vs “you’re,” frequent sports radio talk show caller.

38. Barrett: Says things like, “If you only knew what the government was really doing…”

39. Marshall: Has an anonymous #gent account on Twitter but insists on referring to it as a #gentleman account. Sells monogrammed socks for men.

40. Austin: Sports gambling addict, perennial fantasy football runner up.

41. Jared: Shows up uninvited to every social gathering. “Hey guys, fucking Jared just pulled up.”

42. Jason: Likes Kangol hats. He was edgy cool in high school but is pretty awful now.

43. Taylor: Uses expensive hair conditioner, drinks vodka Redbulls.

44. Michael: Ughhhh, fuck Michael.

45. Karl: Owns the latest gaming system before all his friends. Closeted World of Warcraft player.

46. Matthew: Average in every sense of the word. Had the party house in high school.

47. Paul: The “I’m not trying to get too big” guy at the gym. Also tall.

48. David: He’s not “Michael” boring, but he’s pretty close.

49. Blake: Will risk great bodily harm or even death to entertain people at parties.

50. Corey: Will try to bluff his way out of a fight with “I know MMA.”

51. Derek: Loves country music, baseball, and talking about how he blew out his shoulder in the state championship game.

52. Vince: Your illicit substance hookup.

53. Brandon: 4.0 student in high school. Didn’t drink until college. Hasn’t stopped since. Solid 2.5 average now.

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Dillon Cheverere

Dillon Cheverere (@DCheverere) is the Vice President of Media for Grandex, Inc. Email: dillon@grandex.co

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