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6 Reasons Why You’re Not Getting Laid

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1. Your texting game is weak.

As much as you hate it, girls love texting. A simple “good morning” text makes a chick’s panties soaking wet. If your texting game hasn’t changed since AIM conversations back in fifth grade, your chick is probably getting bored fast. Besides, if you can’t even muster up more than a “nm u?” in a text message, she’s going to assume you’re equally as lazy in bed.

2. Your last slam was crazy.

Okay, so the last girl you fucked was way too hot to be sane. So, naturally, she’s a bit cuckoo. Perhaps she’s telling all of her sorority sisters that you two “have a thing” and they assume that you’re off limits. Maybe she’s heartbroken that you never booty-called her again after last Saturday and she’s telling everyone you have a small dick to numb the pain. Either way, you might want to clear up your reputation before trying to hit on her friends. In the future, try to find a hot chick who isn’t a stage five clinger.

3. You’ve been blacklisted.

Maybe instead of your last slam making up false rumors about you, she’s actually telling the truth. There are a lot of mistakes you’ll make in your college career, but one of the biggest is fucking over a sorority girl. Because you’re not just fucking over that sorority girl, you’re practically fucking over the entire chapter. When she’s crying on the chapter room couch about the asshole who stood her up at formal or went behind her back and banged her little, every one of her sisters is going to remember your name. Your best bet given this scenario is to move on to another sorority until it blows over, or maybe even explore the world of GDIs for a bit.

4. You’ve got a reputation.

Even if you haven’t been blacklisted per se, you can still be known around campus as a “man whore” to girls. The double standard is changing, and girls aren’t quite as drawn to dudes with the “player” rep anymore. Specifically, if you’re banging a new chick every weekend and haven’t had a “thing” with any girl throughout college, girls might just not be interested. As much as they pretend they don’t care, girls secretly want to sleep with a guy who might eventually want to date them. If they know you’re not the type to settle down, not to mention that you’ve slept with half the girls on their floor, they might not want to be another notch in your belt. Unfortunately, even if you keep your sex number on the DL, girls always kiss and tell.

5. Your lines are unoriginal.

You know that tall blonde you were salivating over at your ABC social who was wearing nothing but two Natty Light cases? Yeah, you weren’t the only one trying to hide your half-chub as she entered the basement. Case in point, you’re also not the only one texting her. If you want to stand out from all the other dudes trying to win her over, you’re going to have to muster up more than a “you up?” text after the bar closes. For all you know, this girl has at least five dudes texting her at 2 a.m. trying to bring her home, and if you want it to be you, you’re going to need to be original. Think of every typical text you’ve sent to a chick you want to fuck (“what’s up?” “wanna hangout?” “come cuddle?”) and throw all that shit out the window. Sure, it might be kind of ballsy chartering into unknown texting territory, but anything you say is going to look better than what all the other dudes. who are using the exact same lines as each other, are texting her.

6. You’ve been drinking too much.

Sure, half a bottle of Jack can get you much more confident when pursuing a chick that’s out of your league, but once you start doing liquor bongs, it’s all downhill from there. What you remember as “being smooth” with that hot redhead last night was actually you slurring incoherent words and pawing at her ass. Not to mention, if you did manage to get a girl to come back with you, despite your blackout demeanor, you probably got whiskey dick.

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