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The Heroic Story Of My Friend Getting A Handjob From A 60-Year-Old At A Bar

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The following story was told in a fraternity house dining room at 10:45 a.m. on a Monday.

Cortez: So I’m out on the patio of this dive bar with Barnes last night. Some really old lady comes up to him and asks him for a light. I can plainly see a lighter peeking out of her shirt pocket, so right away I know this granny is looking for something else.

Barnes: I was pretty drunk already, so I light her up.

Cortez: She sidles up to him. “Thanks, sugar. The name’s Michelle.” She points over at this lumpy middle-aged woman with a bad dye job. “That’s my daughter Andy,” the old lady says. “People think we’re sisters.”

Barnes: I was just like, “Okay.”

Cortez: Then she gets up close and puts her arm around him. She goes, “You’re a hot young piece of meat.” I almost spit out my drink laughing. Barnes just says, “Umm, thanks.” Then she offers us a couple of rounds of shots “on Mama.”

Barnes: I mean, yeah, she was super old. She showed us her license and she was born in the ’20s or something. But hey, free drinks. So I’m like, okay, let’s see where this goes.

Cortez: So we do a couple rounds of tequila shots and then she gives me a $50 bill and tells me to go get some margaritas. I go into the bar, where I buy two house margs and pocket the rest. I come back and the old lady is all over Barnes, sitting on his lap and making out with him. Like full, flappy gums style. I was thinking holy shit, I should put a stop to this. But Barnes looked like he was having a good time.

Barnes: Yeah, I was blacking in and out at that point.

Cortez: I’m like, Barnes is a grown ass man, he can make his own decisions.

Barnes: I remember her leaning in and whispering in my ear, “My nephew is your age. He plays a lot of League of Legends.” And I was like, why are you telling me this?

Cortez: I’m back inside, debating with all these old dudes at the bar. Should I go out and save my bro? Like, he’s a grown ass man. But he’s also wasted. The old guys are split. Some of them are like, “Damn kids! You don’t leave a man behind! Your generation needs a war.” Others think he’s got to learn. One guy says, “I don’t know. Michelle usually puts out.”

That settles it. I’m not going to let my fraternity brother risk getting some sort of Civil War-era STD. I have to go rescue Barnes. By the time I get there, they’ve moved into the corner and her hand is down his pants, shaking vigorously.

Barnes: She offers to take me back to her place. “It’s Andy’s condo. She’s got a spare bedroom.” I can see the woman’s daughter, who’s been sitting there quietly the whole time, shaking her head awkwardly. The old lady looks back at me. “Whadya say, sugar?” I shrug and garble out, “At least I can’t get you pregnant.”

Cortez: This is where I come in and peel him off her, dragging Barnes’ drunk ass into an Uber. The whole time he’s yelling, “I’ll call you!” Did you ever call her?

Barnes: Nope.

Cortez: See, that’s one of those things where you wake up and regret everything. You’re welcome.

Barnes: The handjob wasn’t bad though. I don’t regret that.

Cortez: Motherfucker.

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Doctor Franzia

*Not qualified to practice medicine*

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