It’s a special day for all you crazy kids out there. You’re looking to take your best girl out for a night of wine, half-off Italian dishes, and maybe even a little dancing. Either that, or you’re going to troll the bars with a sad look in your eyes and talk to that pink-haired young lady about how you can’t believe the big corporations could commercialize something as sacred as love. Over gin drinks, of course. Then you’ll nod your head and hand her another gin drink as you lead her back to your dilapidated house to bang.
Whether it’s a long-term dealie or a quick pump ‘n go, you’re about to take a trip to boner city, population 2. When you drunkenly undo your belt and lie about your condoms (“no, really, sweetie; they’re expired”), you’ll want to turn on some mood music that’ll get you both ready to knuckle down and make some sweet, stanky sex. That’s when you need help from a pro, and luckily we’ve got you covered.
No matter if your style is Frank Ocean’s sensual wailing, Conway Twitty’s rumbling freight train of pipe, or jamming her face in the pillow and making Chewbacca sounds, this list has all the components to take your coitus from pitiful to passable. Light a candle, crank some tunes, and get ready to massacre that ass like Al Capone. Even if you don’t make it through a whole track, at least you’ll have some white noise to fill the awkward silence.