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7 Financial Tips Every College Kid Needs To Know So You Won’t Be A Poor

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Most kids these days are completely illiterate when it comes to finances. The secret to wealth and the tragedy of youth depends on how early you start investing. If you aren’t already making moves in the market, you’re missing out big time.

I know you’re probably too busy getting fucked up and fucking to really care about shit like retirement, but it’s insanely important. The earlier you start, the better off you’ll be down the line, so shut the fuck up and listen.

1. Learn about compounding interest.

That shit is the name of the game. When you’re in your early 20s, every dollar you invest multiplies exponentially over time. If you wait too long to start investing, you’ll miss out on tens of thousands of dollars that you could use to hire a hot Hispanic maid to change your diapers and powder your balls when you’re too old to give a shit about what the hell’s going on.

2. You don’t need to be a genius; just get your money in as soon as you can.

Financial literacy takes time. There’s a lot of nerd shit you need to learn and no matter how much you think you know, you’re dumb as fuck. You’re in college. Accept that you have virtually no real world experience and you’re at the mercy of the giant gaping asshole of the economy that you live inside of.

3. Get a goddamn part time job if you don’t have one.

It doesn’t matter if you write for TFM or suck massive Uber dong in your car. You need a real paycheck to prove to the IRS that you’re not a drug dealer. If you get cash under the table, don’t put it in the bank and leave a fucking paper trail. That’s how they got Capone.

4. Set aside 10 percent of EVERYTHING you earn.

If you start doing that now, that’s all you’ll need to retire comfortably. If you wait until you’re 30 to start saving, you’ll need to save at least 20-25 percent. If you wait until you’re 40, you’ll need to save 40-50 percent. See the pattern? Start young and be a goddamn boss.

5. Get a credit card ASAP.

If you don’t have any credit history, you’ll need to start building it immediately. You probably won’t be able to get anything better than a secured card with a $500 limit. Don’t worry, that shit builds up over time as long as you’re not an irresponsible retard with credit. Your credit score is the criterion that banks, creditors, and landlords use to gauge your worthiness as a human being. Never use more than 20% of your total credit limit and PAY THAT SHIT OFF IN FULL EVERY FUCKING MONTH. If you fail to use a credit card responsibly, it will rape you, not help.

6. Learn about Roth IRAs

One of the last great tax havens left for those trying to accumulate wealth over the long haul. An index fund in the S&P500 will make more money for you over time than any asshole wealth manager guru could ever dream of. The large majority of fund managers can’t beat the market in the long run, so don’t let them pilfer your life savings with fees designed to extort money from idiots.

7. Get the fuck out of debt as soon as you can.

Many of you are piling on massive debt to afford your “education.” It’s not a bad thing. Just know your position in the pecking order. Debt makes money for people who are richer than you. You make people rich by being in debt. Don’t be an asshole and bleed to death before you can build your own nest egg.

Don’t believe anyone who says that money isn’t everything. Money is the collective scoreboard everyone uses to figure out how valuable you are to society. If you don’t know what you want to be when you grow up, make some fucking money in the mean time and invest it. Then at least you’ve got a security blanket to wrap yourself up in while you figure your shit out under the overpass. Don’t be poor and lost. Don’t be on the wrong side of the class war. Make some paper and take your time. Accumulating wealth isn’t a sprint; it’s a marathon.

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Image via Shinesty

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RageTheory (@RageTheory) is a contributing writer for Total Frat Move. He enjoys long walks of whiskey and sodomy on the beach.

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