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Maybe your summer classes are a total joke and you’re bored out of your mind. Maybe you’re at your lake house for the summer and your girl is on her period, so you’re sitting idle. Maybe you’ve got a fancy internship and the other guys are a bunch of GDIs, so your weekends are free. Somehow, some way, you found yourself with a lot of spare time on your hands. Instead of wasting your life on Tinder, or beating your dick, you decide you want to do something “meaningful,” so here it is, a list of things you can do this summer to add meaning to your life.
1. Driving Manual Transmission
The most iconic of all manly endeavors. Why let a computer tell you how to do something that you’re perfectly capable of doing on your own? Reclaim your manhood, grab a car with a manual transmission, and put a pretty young thing in your passenger seat. You’ll be surprised how quickly she’ll start playing with your stick.
Before the advent of gunpowder, man was taking down game and conquering nations with the bow and arrow. Nowadays, any ninnymuggins afraid of the liberals taking away his rights who has a couple hundred dollars to spare can shoot a gun. Don’t get me wrong, you should own a gun, and with the looks of things, the sooner you get one, the better. But there is something absolutely visceral about shooting a bow. Your inner caveman rejoices when a great draw turns into an excellent shot. This is doubly true when you’re on a hunt and bring in a nice trophy. There are few things that’ll put as much hair on your chest as bringing down a bear with a broadhead.
3. Eating Pussy
There is nothing more complex or less understood than the female body. One day it wants pizza, the next it wants to paint with your blood. Learning to please a woman is the first step to understanding the inner mechanisms that drive this illogical nagging machine. Plus, men are generous and giving. Why not hone your silver tongue? Give women what they really want. You’ll make it in the history books for munching box.
Laugh all you want, but this was how men used to trump each other in the golden days. Normally, I wouldn’t include this, but after my girlfriend’s father challenged me to a game of chess to take her out on a date, I can’t stress how important this skill is. Whether he has war medals or not, you can’t back down in the face of adversity. With chess, you can respectfully establish your dominance in his household and then thank him for the blondie you’re taking home that night.
5. Tying a bow-tie
It’s come to my attention that many of you don’t know how to affix a bow-tie without the aid of a friend, YouTube video, or clip-on. Stop embarrassing yourself and your letters. Go home and practice in front of a mirror until this becomes as natural as beating off. And while you’re at it, you might as well learn how to tie something besides the four-in-hand knot; you look dumb.
6. Grilling the Perfect Steak
I know what you’re going to say, “I already know how to grill a steak.” Well that’s fucking great, but there’s a difference between knowing how to get it done and being a master at the Weber in your yard. Everyone knows that there are plenty of cuts and even more ways to prepare a steak, so experiment, find one you love, and make it your signature. There’s no better way to ask a girl for a romp in the sheets than with a steak dinner and a glass of red wine. There’s also no better way to ask your girlfriend for forgiveness after sleeping with her little.
7. The Long Pour
Beer is a pretty miraculous thing. Nectar of the gods, if you will. It’s the solution to all of your problems, including the pain of liver failure. You wouldn’t purposely spill your beer and let it go to waste during a day drink, would you? So why let it dribble all over your brother’s face like he’s taking a load from Keith Stone? Help your fraternity out on its journey to slosh-dom and learn to long pour. Who knows, it could save a life.