Ah, springtime is the best time. The weather is getting warmer, girls are wearing less, and baseball is back. What’s not to love? Spring training is in full force in Florida and Arizona. With baseball on the brain, I thought about some of the players who I’d want to sit down, crack a few cold ones, and get crazy with. These don’t include any retired players or managers (which I’ll do at a later time).
1. Josh Hamilton
Josh is the kind of guy who is always ready to take things from zero to one hundred real quick. Whether that’s getting three girls to take body shots off him in the middle of a random Arizona bar or hitting up Sherlock’s Pub and going crazy for a night, Josh is ready to party at the word “go.” Nothing is off limits, either. You want some coke? You got it. Babes? Dude can pull. You gotta be careful around Josh, though. If he relapses hard enough, you and him are about to spin your life out of control. Another good thing about him is that he will most likely share his tin with you.
2. Josh Donaldson
Donaldson has no filter. Whatever words come to mind, he is going to say.
Dudes with zero filter can either make for one hell of a time or one terrible night ending in cuffs. There is no in between. Just think what’s going to come out of his mouth after he’s 24 beers deep at the bar. He might actually tell a girl to suck his cock as loudly as possible.
3. Bryce Harper
Harper is that cocky and confident guy on your roster. He knows he’s good and he let’s everyone know that he knows he’s good. When confronted by another group of men vying for the same women that you are, Bryce will hit them with some sort of backhanded insult, possibly calling them clowns. Bryce will always have your back no matter what when he’s rolling with your squad. He’s a team player who will work hard to make sure nobody goes home home empty-handed.
4. Dallas Keuchel
Dallas is the quiet type. Doesn’t get too fiery on the mound. Just goes about his business in a professional manner. The man does possess one hell of a beard. When you have a beard like that, you’ve got some stories to tell. Dallas isn’t going to be the biggest partier when you’re out with him, but he will be able to talk to anyone and everyone about anything and everything. With great beard comes great personality. There won’t be a dull moment when it comes to a night out on the town with Keuchel. That’s just part of being a crafty lefty.
5. Mike Napoli
Napoli has been known to get a little rowdy after a night of drinking. Google “drunk Mike Napoli” and you’ll find out why. Nap is a necessity in your group because he is the one that’s going to get a little crazier than is necessary for a random Tuesday. He’s going to be the one that asks the group if we should get one last round before heading home and will have ordered that round before anyone can oppose. When Nap hears the word “drink” he says “how much?” There is a pretty good chance that he goes full Frank The Tank and goes streaking through the quad.
6. Elvis Andrus/Derek Holland
I’ll admit that I had my shot with these two back in the day while drinking with some friends at the infamous Sfuzzi Uptown. I ended up leaving early because I had to work the Rangers noon game the next morning. What happened after I left was Holland, Elvis, Joey Bats, and Edwin Encarnacion becoming buddy buddy with some friends of mine. They got to enjoy a night of bottle service on them, picking up girls with them, and Elvis was close to offering to take his Range home to drive Joey and Edwin back to their team hotel before just handing them cash to take a taxi home.
Those are the kind of guys you want to party with. Ones that aren’t too big for their fans. Ones who can keep things light and fun. Even when you look at their on-field demeanor, they are all about having fun. Elvis can’t help but fuck with Adrian Beltre every chance he gets and Holland is a goofy motherfucker. You need guys like this in your drinking crew.
7. Madison Bumgarner
This is an easy one. The man is a nine-inning closer. Madison shines when the pressure is on. You’ve got a group of pure 10s at the bar, who do you want to hit on them? Bumgarner, of course, because he’s going to bring home the trophy ten times out of ten. He will then celebrate by chugging anywhere between three to five beers in a matter of seconds..
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