======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ==== ======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ====
We’re not going to tease your titties until the end here like a BuzzFeed article. It’s Animal House – the G.O.A.T. What I appreciate most about the John Landis’ (Blues Brothers, Trading Places) American standard is that its protagonist chapter, Delta, has the kind of diversity which all fraternities should celebrate. Sure, you’ve got your textbook cool dude types, Otter and Boon, armed with quick-wittedness and sweater-collar combos potent enough to generate respectable party ratios and pre-law sensibilities competent enough to get the boys out of trouble when said parties are busted. But then there’s Bluto, a barely comprehensible ruffian whose comedic moments in the film involve food being spilled like 40% of the time. “D-Day,” meanwhile, seems like he’s been through some shit; he’s always just working on cars and choppers out in the house garage, smoking darts, and rocking an unreal mustache. And you can’t forget Flounder. Do we have to say anything about Flounder? All these guys probably wouldn’t have been caught dead sitting at the same high school lunch table as each other, but in Delta they are united in brotherhood in the worthy pursuit of a good time and with a remarkable ability to get going when the going gets tough.
You want to fight it. Zac Efron? You mean that guy my high school girlfriend said she would “literally pogo stick” when I was still clawing my way to third base with pendants from Macy’s? And Dave Franco? That dude my college girlfriend has squirmed over, citing “his hot personality,” whatever the fuck that means? If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. It’s not the Animal House of our generation or anything, but this Delta goes pretty hard with the intricate shenanigans and spare-no-expense party themes. The most real moment for me, is this exchange:
“I mean, you do realize that all this stuff… it’s all bullshit, right? Like, my brother’s fraternity also thinks they invented beer pong.”
“Well, your brother is a liar.”
Don’t we all believe that our chapter is the one? The outlier that rages above the rest on campus or whose brotherly bond is stronger than any of those fucking dickheads at nationals could ever understand? And we absolutely should; you had to drink bong water or maybe eat a 6-pack of socks for this shit, so you might as well give it your 100% complete blind dedication. (Fill in your fraternity) or die, and fuck all the rest.
If you haven’t heard of this one then you’ve just made quite the discovery here on TFM, my friend. The star-studded cast of Jeremy Piven, David Spade, Jon Favreau, and the motherfucking Godfather of Funk George Clinton fuels this depiction of what I believe is fraternity at its best — non-functional. Look, maybe you disagree. Maybe your chapter baked the most cookies or licked the most dongs for a good cause in school history last year. And I’ll admit it — chicks and the administration love that shit. But for me, it’s about brotherhood and nothing else, which is exactly the spirit of PCU’s “The Pit” — literally a banned house whose last hope to avoid forced evacuation is a kegger. The movie finds a consistent punchline in dismantling snowflake nonsense, whiny-ass bitching, and pseudo-saving-of-the-world (all that bullshit that’s more prevalent at universities now than ever (Politically Correct University… get it?)). It’s the most topical movie on this list, in my opinion.
Goat bore into the 2016 Sundance Film Festival with the virtuous mission of bringing to light the shocking and brutal realities of fraternity hazing. There’s no question the filmmakers did their research, too. Pledges in white tee/blue jean uniforms scurrying to a late-night education session, a visit from an alum brother (played by James Franco) who’s actually more of a low-life and wildcard than any of the college kids… every moment was so vivid and spot-on. The actors especially; they’re almost indistinguishable from your own brothers — alpha-male, “friendly,” dressed simultaneously “cool” and really stupid. It’s like fraternity-themed porn: it probably should be upsetting, but you’ll love every minute.
The Butterfly Effect
I couldn’t help myself. In one of Ashton Kutcher’s alternate realities created by a split timeline situation, he ends up a frat douche. And while it’s only a small portion of The Butterfly Effect, watching chin-bearded Ashton scream the Greek alphabet into the face of a pledge who has a popcorn bowl on his head is ticklishy fun. Had to include it. Plus, it’s honestly an underrated movie so no harm done here.
An Extremely Goofy Movie
This sequel to A Goofy Movie is not all that memorable. Its main plot involves a competition showdown between rival frats (just like Monsters University, another children’s film which has for some reason become acceptable for people who are not children to watch). It’s only for one brother, though, that I mention it here: Bobby, who’s voiced by ’90s novelty human Pauly Shore. Bobby is an enigma to me because he very much enjoys eating cheese out of aerosol cans, which he refers to as “chedda whizzy.” I honestly don’t know what to make of this. Is that a “Total Frat Move,” as they say? As the fraternity community at large, we like to maintain our little list of what’s in and what’s out; thumbs up, thumbs down. The fact that I have absolutely no idea what to do with “chedda whizzy” is frankly inspiring to me, and I think we owe it to Bobby to just tip our collective adjustable hats and say — for once — “I don’t know.”
This one’s got it all. The sweater-collars, the band of misfits, the competitions, the ragers, the hazing, the hilarity, the Jeremy Piven, the chedda whizzy… Nah, it doesn’t have chedda whizzy, but it does have Luke Wilson, Vince Vaughn, and Will Ferrell as legendary Frank the Tank. The streaking scene and “Blue” are enough to make it a classic, but you’ll actually find it more and more funny with every single rewatch. In the scene where Frank the Tank is debating whether the house’s inflatable sex doll should be dressed up as a cheerleader or a nurse, he realizes that Luke Wilson’s love interest is present and flips the outfit back to nurse as if that’s more appropriate. Oh, the subtle genius. There’s also Snoop Dogg, democratic pundit James Carville, Andy Dick as a kung fu-fighting blowjob instructor, and Johnny Knoxville with a tranquilizer dart. I mean, just a sprawling, jam-packed film o’ fun and frat.
Image via Old School/YouTube