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1. Alex Morgan Has to Play in Lingerie
Do I really need to explain why this would work? Alex Morgan is a sex goddess sent from heaven with the sole purpose of giving mankind hope that a female athlete can, in fact, be sexually appealing. Having Alex strip down to her skivvies would give Americans more than enough reasons to watch an otherwise miserably boring sport.
2. Flops Lead to Fights
One of the most frustrating parts of watching professional soccer is seeing the horrendous flops and the injuries players fake. You would think from the look on the face of that midfielder who took the dive that he tore every ligament in his right knee. But don’t worry, chances are he’ll be back to his creepily European self again in five minutes. He just has to make sure his fauxhawk didn’t get messed up when he fell down.
Implementing my favorite rule in hockey would solve this: fighting is “okay.” There would still be a punishment, specifically a yellow card. If you brush against a Spaniard’s ankle and he somersaults through the air in faux-pain, you should have the right to mercilessly beat his ass. He wouldn’t fake a foul again, and it would be absolutely awesome to watch. Also awesome? The newly created role of “soccer enforcer.” Remember that large, drunk, Scotsman screaming violent rape threats from the bleachers at every opposing player? Yeah, he’s on the field now, and he’s looking to fuck shit up. The tears and blood of Ronaldo will flow like a river.
3. A Shot Clock
It made basketball, originally one of the slowest paced, most boring sports on Earth, into the fast paced, high flying sport it is today. Why wouldn’t it work for soccer? Forcing players to take more shots would in turn lead to more goals and consequently more interest for Americans. It would simply involve adding another line, probably about ten or fifteen feet out from the box. Once inside the box, the shot clock starts. There’s also no offside rule once the ball is inside the box.
4. Slide Tackles are Encouraged
Football is a sport where the sole intention of the defense is to incapacitate the opposing players, and those defenders are paid handsome
bounties salaries to do so. So why can’t soccer players occasionally make a wicked slide into the ankles of their foes? Slide tackles are admittedly fucking cool to watch, and every time I hear a whistle for slight ankle on ankle content I breathe a sigh of American disappointment. Let them go at it. If you’re a soft European worried about getting your ankles broken, then shut up and wear a brace, pussy. I’d still say that the tackles can’t be malicious, but the officials need to become FAR more lenient on the amount of contact allowed.
5. Have a Normal Goddamn Clock
Listen soccer fans, no one is buying your bullshit forward progressing clock system. Here in America, we have places to be, bacon to fry, and a multitude of other freedom related things to do, so we like to know when an event in question is about to end. The concept of “extra time” is utter crap. You could very easily just stop the clock during play to eliminate the common post 90th minute wondering of “When the fuck is this going to end?” That would definitely put an end to cowardly, completely infuriating flopping, like Ghana did against the U.S. in the last World Cup. Hey Ghana, nice move there, way to run out the clock you pussies. That’s why you’re fucking Ghana.
It’s a fairly simple request for soccer to make their clocks go backwards, like literally every other logical sport in the world. Adding a descending clock would add the excitement of last second shots and plays, something that both basketball and football benefit from immensely.
6. No Ties
Nothing is more disappointing than watching an entire athletic contest only for it to end in a tie. Here in America we have winners and losers, and our sports should reflect as much. If the game is tied at regulation, go to a shootout. Soccer shootouts are one of the few redeeming qualities of the sport, and to deny viewers of that simple 15-minute pleasantry is a crime. By eliminating the “completely acceptable tie” policy, viewers would never get the feeling they wasted the shit out of their time after watching an entire game stuck in a 0-0 stalemate.
No more ties would also mean no more teams playing for ties. Is there anything more pussy than a team actually not wanting to win? Case and point: the 2010 World Cup game between the U.S. and Algeria. The Algerians HAD to win to have a chance of advancing past the group stage. What did they do? They played for a tie the entire game just to try and prevent Team USA from advancing. A tactic so infuriatingly bitchy that it’s unfathomable to American sports fans. Luckily Landon Donovan is an American fucking hero, and Algeria is still Algeria.
7. Add Cheerleaders
If there’s one thing great about American sports, it’s the fact that we place the women on the sidelines in skimpy outfits solely for our viewing pleasure. If soccer adapted this simple technique, I’m sure unbridled American support would follow close behind. Just think of the potential Brazilian Cheerleaders could have.