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The lamestream media might not admit this, but there comes a time or two when even the best player has trouble scoring. When even the mightiest of cocksmen fails to swing true. When even the sexiest of sexers just can’t seem to get any sexing. The medical term for such a condition is called a slump. Much like rehabbing a torn meniscus, overcoming a slump necessitates a delicate building back process to get your sex game back to full strength. You can’t just go months without action and expect to fuck a 10, or even an 8, right off the bat. Your slump-afflicted brain will get all anxious, you’ll say or do something you wouldn’t normally do out of desperation, you’ll end up completely blowing your chances, and sulk your way back home thoroughly unsexed and with even lower self-confidence than before.
That’s where the slump buster comes in. You know exactly what I’m talking about. The chick from Intro to Business who eats her own nose nuggets. The KKG who smells like BO and moldy cheese. Normally, you wouldn’t give these girls the time of day, but you bite the bullet and hook up with them to get yourself back on the horse.
You know what though, pals? It’s 2018. And as much as we’d like to think that only us dudes can suffer from the debilitating slump, that just simply isn’t true. As Shawn Carter once said, “ladies is pimps, too.” Which means that they too go through slumps (albeit considerably more rarely) and that they too need a good ol’ fashioned slump-busting. Now that you’ve made it through that bombshell, brace yourself for this doozy: you’ve probably been used as a slump buster more than once in your life.
Tough to believe, I know, but as long as you know the signs, you’ll be able to, at the very least, come away from the traumatic experience of being a slump buster with a little more knowledge and awareness. While there are dozens of ways to tell if you’re being used as an SB, I’ve included 7 that I think are the most prevalent. Godspeed in your travels, my friends.
She’s constantly looking for other options while she’s talking to you.
You may think she’s just playing hard to get, but in reality, she’s looking for a dude with even an ounce more fuckability than you. Maybe someone with a cooler haircut or a fresh new tee from Rowdy Gentleman’s 2018 Spring line. In the back of her mind, she knows she’s probably, at the very least, going to end up blowing you, but she’s trying to stay optimistic.
Once she does decide to head back to your place, she’ll make sure the coast is clear.
Ah, the classic survey-the-scene-to-make-sure-no-one’s-watching-grab-the-hand-and-make-a-run-for-it move. Not as funny when it’s happening to you.
Foreplay lasts way too long.
You’d think that she’d want to get things over and done with. Slur, splur, thank you sir. But that hour and a half of making out on your couch with some lackluster OTPHJ action thrown in isn’t because she enjoys being intimate with you. She’s just trying to talk herself out of taking things a step further.
Sure, she’s trying to bust that slump, but she checked your closet while you were in the bathroom and didn’t find even one fresh tee from Rowdy Gentleman’s 2018 Spring line. Not one! Is she really that desperate? That’s for her to decide and you to find out.
She’ll give you backhanded compliments during sex
It turns out she is that desperate. But just because she’s decided to fuck you, it doesn’t mean that either of you are going to enjoy it. Because she’s about to say things specifically tailored to lower your self-esteem. “Oh, wow, you’re so…adequate.” “Is it in yet?” “That’s it?” Not the best dirty talk, but if she’s not having fun, then neither are you.
Once you’re done hooking up, she’ll make you promise to never tell a soul.
This isn’t the harmless, “Oh my god, we shouldn’t have done that. We have to keep this a secret” type deal. It’s more like, “If you ever even hint about this happening to anything with a pulse, I will kill you and your entire family.”
She’ll give you her number and immediately “new phone, who dis?” you.
Prepare for her to hit you with this line surprisingly swiftly. I’m talking you shoot her the “that was fun” text after she leaves and she immediately responds, “new phone, who dis?” You’ll shrug and think to yourself, “huh, I didn’t know the Verizon store was open at this hour.” It’s not. You’re just a slump buster.
You’ll notice something is missing right after she leaves.
Why? Because she stole it. She has to salvage her night somehow. It could be anything from a couple beers to a pair of gym shorts to that pamphlet for Rowdy Gentleman’s 2018 Spring line that you have yet to take advantage of. Honestly, just get yourself one of these shirts and maybe a hat and this shit would stop happening to you. .
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