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It’s only day two of 2018 and, for many of you, that New Year’s resolution to work out more may already be starting on shaky ground. Maybe that motivation to ditch the dad bod hasn’t truly sunk in yet, or you’re feeling that gym membership sticker shock, or the crowds are too crazy for your liking, or your ex-girlfriend Sharon was right about you all along and you’re forever destined to be a lazy piece of shit.
But, unless you fall into that latter category, all is not lost for you. In fact, if I had to diagnose the problem, you’re likely just suffering from what I like to call “High Expectations Syndrome.” I’ve always had pretty mediocre expectations for myself, so I’ve never had this problem, but those afflicted tend to expect high results immediately and to exercise at a higher level than their body is accustomed to. The painful end result of a workout or two of people suffering from “High Expectations Syndrome” can be enough to scare them away from a gym for life.
Thankfully, I have the cure. In order to ensure maximum number of days spent going to the gym, you need to start small and work your way from there. So, with that in mind, here are 8 workouts that will help ease you into your 2018 goals.
WARNING! Performing any of the following workouts in public may subject you to ruthless ridicule from any or all of the following groups: family, friends, close acquaintances, fellow gym-goers, TFM Instagram commenters.
If your gym is legit, then it likely has a combination pull-up/dip machine with an extendable knee platform so that those who have trouble supporting their own body weight can have some assistance (hint: if you’re having trouble finding it, it’s probably next to the stretchy resistance bands and five-pound dumbbells). Nothing helps you get back into the swing of working out like cranking out dozens of pull-ups while barely breaking a sweat.
Sure, you can likely lift more than just the bar, but working in a couple of high-rep bar benches will help you with proper form and balance — perfect for when your noodle arms are ready to max out the heavy stuff. Plus, it eliminates the need for a spotter. Your end goal is to get jacked, not make friends.
Nothing gives the illusion that you regularly work out legs like a slightly defined calf muscle. Forget all of those fancy leg press machines; just find yourself an elevated surface and embrace that deep calf burn. It hurts so good.
You know those spring-loaded clips used to hold plates in place? Turns out they also make for excellent forearm strengtheners. You won’t be using them to bench just the bar anyways, so instead squeeze and release a couple hundred times and get you those Popeye forearm gains.
Full-Incline Treadmill Walking
No one likes doing cardio, but being jacked as shit and wheezing every time you walk up a flight of stairs won’t do you any favors either. Work smarter and not harder to get your heart rate to manageable levels. Rather than running (like some sort of tryhard), hop on a treadmill and set the speed to a leisurely pace while cranking that incline up to the max. You’ll burn off the Mich Ultra you had with lunch doing this one, so be sure to reward yourself afterwards with a post-workout beer.
Simply clench and release those ass muscles during water breaks so you’re working with a toned base going forward. Save the squatting for the pros.
Low Weight Hammer Curls
Low weight, high reps is right in your wheelhouse. Snag some 15-pound dumbbells and move those arms like you’re going for your fastest 40 time. You’re going to want prime mirror space for this. It also wouldn’t hurt to insert yourself into a babe’s line of sight. Maybe make some animalistic grunts. Catch her eye. Boom, instant swolemates.
Nothing burns fat quite like a good ol’ fashioned fuck session. Results 100% vary depending on skill level..
If you go to the gym way too much but aren’t on the juice (yet), you were made to listen to our gym/workout podcast “Supps Dawg.” Listen to episode 1 below, and if you like it? Subscribe to it on Grandex Labs here.
Image via Shutterstock