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Well, this is it. You are on your way to college and, come August, you will be living on your own (besides your roommate(s) of course). I bet you are wondering what you will need to make your room an awesome man cave or an artsy-fartsy domicile, eh? Well lucky for you, you’ve come to the right place. I’m about run you through some of the makings of a superb dorm room because I want your freshman year to be a great one!
A Picture Of Your Mother Or Father On Your Nightstand
You’re going to want to demonstrate to everyone on your floor that you have family values. Let everyone that enters your room know you are a momma’s boy or are daddy’s little girl. Make sure it’s a very serious photo; one in which your parent is dishing out sort of an “I’m watching you” look. This should keep you on the straight and narrow and make sure you’re hitting the books.
A Pocket Pussy/Dildo
Make sure you put it on display loud and proud next to your bed, right next to that picture of your parent. Not only will you NOT be having a lot of sexual intercourse and definitely want something more than just your hand (this abstinence is on account of all the studying you’ll be doing), but when you actually do, this toy will let your partner know, “Wow this person loves stimulation! This should be really great. I’m so excited! I definitely made the right choice tonight!”
A Record Player
This makes you look interesting. You don’t need that effort-free Spotify; you have a record player with 4 vinyl records and one of them is Eminem’s Recovery. Everybody is going to be so impressed with your artsiness.
This is a brand new trend not many people have bought into yet. Make sure to take pictures in front of this thumbtacked tapestry whilst holding balloons for your 19th birthday Insta photo. You will be the only one on your floor — maybe even your building — with one of these bad boys.
Don’t go out and buy shower socks; simply take a pair of socks you have and designate them as the socks you’ll use to keep your feet from touching that disgusting dorm room shower floor. You’ll thank me later.
A Small Rodent Pet
As long as you hide it right, your RA will never know. Rodent life is dope because all the people on your floor will want to play with it, making you instantly popular.
If you’re still using toilet paper instead of Wet Wipes, you may as well drop out; you’re hopeless.
The campus gym is always packed and is full of people scoping themselves out in the mirror. Don’t mess with it. Bring the home gym to school and you won’t even have to leave your room to get a full-body workout. Don’t worry about space; that’s what bunk beds are for.
A Shake Weight
Don’t want to make room for a Bowflex? Get a Shake Weight. It does the same thing and is also mobile. People will respect the fact that you’re getting a good pump in during your walk between classes.
I hope this list helped you build your first college dorm room. Now remember: have fun, student loans are a myth, and condoms are for bananas. This is all serious advice..