It’s that time of year again — my interest in professional baseball is fading and while football is on the approach, it still won’t be here for another three weeks. For a regular sports gambler, this might be a good time to take a much needed break before the start of the fall semester. Maybe take a few days off and go to the beach or spend the weekend at the lake. Sure, you could go all in on the PGA Championship, but why bother? While betting on golf is fun, it is a short-lived experience and very rarely profitable.
For the degenerate sports gambler, all eyes are on Williamsport for the Little League World Series. Here are a few things to remember before throwing down $500 on a bunch of prepubescent 12-year-olds:
These kids totally suck at baseball
Yeah, for 12-year-olds, these kids are okay. But literally any of us could wreck these kids in baseball. They fucking suck. Most of them are less than five feet tall and can’t wing the ball faster than 55 mph. Their fundamentals are shit and each team averages like three errors per game.
They are mental weaklings. In a regional yesterday, I saw some kid give up a towering 250-foot home run. The camera cut to his face and his eyes were swelling up with tears. Two doubles later and his dad had to come out to the mound and pull him. The pitcher who replaced him wasn’t allowed to throw curveballs because his parents didn’t want him to hurt his arm at such a young age, so he was basically throwing batting practice and got totally shelled.
In Williamsport, find the team who gave up the least amount of errors and put your money on them. The fundamentally sound teams will take you places.
ADVICE: Google one of these kid’s middle schools and give the front office a call. Tell them you are a former parent and lost your school directory and would like a new one so you can send out Christmas cards. Wait for the directory to come in the mail and then call the parents of the player and demand they send you all injury information, scouting reports, game logs, and anything else you might need.
Kids from the south are inherently better at sports
Most of you know this, but kids from the south are better at baseball than kids from the north.
In the south, little league tryouts start in February when it is still sort of chilly, but not actually cold. For the next five months, these kids are doing nothing but playing baseball. In the north, baseball starts in late March when it’s like 44 degrees on average. Most practices are done inside at a batting cage. There is no real baseball feel until late April when it starts to actually feel like spring.
It’s why you never see a good American team from somewhere like Duluth, MN. Those kids couldn’t be good at baseball even if they wanted to.
ADVICE: Always bet on the team from Texas.
Fat kids are usually the better athletes
Being fat in baseball isn’t a bad thing, but in little league it is actually an advantage. Fat kids can hurl the ball and are still coordinated enough to move around. They are usually power hitters and it doesn’t take much for them to become home run kings in this league because the fence is only 225-250 feet down the lines.
The whole field is so small that it actually doesn’t matter that they are slow as shit because they only have to make it 60-feet to first base. Plus, you can sub players in and out without penalty so you can pinch-run for the fat kid all the time without pulling him. Fat kids have a place in this world and it is on the diamond.
ADVICE: Bet on the team whose pitching ace is at least 180-pounds.
Double down on the foreigners
Even though they are permanently relegated to ESPN2, the foreign kids are usually far superior than the Americans at baseball, like they are at everything else. The Latin American kids do nothing but play baseball constantly, and the Asian kids are such perfectionists that they have dominated little league baseball for the last 20 years. You can almost guarantee the foreign team in the championship will be either from Japan or Chinese Taipai.
While most of the Americans will be dealing with off-the-field distractions like 6th grade math and science homework, the foreign kids will be focusing non-stop on baseball.
Never bet on Canadian kids. They are awful at baseball. The Saudi Arabian team is usually just a bunch of Americans whose parents work in oil and want them to have a normal childhood, so they will invest heavily in American things like private hitting and pitching coaches.
Advice: Keep your money on Asia and Latin America kids.
If you follow my guidance, it could be a very profitable two weeks in Williamsport. Find a bookie who is willing to take money from a degenerate, and go all in on little league baseball..
Image via YouTube