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A Beginner’s Guide To Ordering Strippers

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There comes a time in every boy’s life when he grows up and learns about the female body. There also comes a time in every man’s life where he decides he wants to figure out what the female body can do with a couple dozen ping pong balls, a wine bottle and a deck of playing cards. This is when you truly become a man.

Ordering a stripper is just like buying drugs from a new dealer: you’re a little nervous about how negotiations are gonna go and there’s at least a 30 percent chance you’ll get murdered. Still, the stories from the night make it totally worth it. Below are a few tips and tricks for you stripper ordering rookies.

Always know what you’re purchasing.

You’d be surprised how many coupons and deals there are for strippers. Two for one special? Don’t mind if I do.

Always know WHO you’re ordering.

This isn’t one of those times where any old thing will do. No. If you order Amanda, you better get Amanda. Do not let Mandy show up on your doorstep flaunting her foopa.

Never go with the classiest place.

A total waste of money. Which one is going to make for the better story: the high-end super hot stripper or the ugly AF stripper on meth? I’ll go methhead 10/10 times.

Always use your burner phone/email address.

I’d advise you to go the email route. It’s not a glamorous business. You’re going to want any contractual agreement or monetary transactions in writing.

Always request the midget stripper.

Try and get her for half price, too. It never hurts to ask and it’s funny as hell. I’ve also heard they give good head.

Never assume she’s going to look like she does on the website.

This is the biggest rookie mistake in the book. If you’re ordering off the website and she looks like an 8, she’ll show up looking like a 4 in real life. If you’re ordering out of the phone book and you get anything over a 3, consider yourself blessed.

Always make friends with the stripper’s bouncer.

This guy is most likely a felon. Get on his good side. Offer this man a beer, weed, cocaine or whatever. That way, when someone’s thumb slips into the wrong hole during her routine, this dude doesn’t slit your throat.

Never buy the 12-pack of ping-pong balls.

Purchase the 24 pack.

Never expect the stripper to shoot ping-pong balls out of her vajayjay.

They don’t shoot out. They “pfffft” out. Those tires only have so much tread.

Never fall in love.

This is by far the most important rule. Your stripper will make you feel feelings you’ve never felt before. Most of those feelings are “I’m going to vomit” or “That’s the grossest thing I’ve ever seen,” but a small part of you will still fall in love with that junkie. Protect your heart and your wallet and just say no.

Now go forth and order yourself and your friends some strippers. Let’s make America weird again.

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El Taco

Either a war hero or war criminal depending on how you look at it

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