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A British Perspective On American Girls Studying Abroad

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“Oversexed, overpaid, and over here”–that’s what our greatest generation, bemoaning the increased competition, called your grandfathers during World War II. In fact, it’s believed that possibly as many as 50,000 British women unpatriotically followed their Yanks home after Adolf’s murder-suicide in the Führerbunker. But we can forgive you, because for a few months each summer, your female undergrads are oversexed, over here, and under us.

I know men so un-athletic, they’d struggle to drive the green on a par three from the ladies’ tee, yet every June, July, and August, they put up Tiger Woods numbers. And sure, it’s a little weird that half of them have boys’ names–Jamie, Jordan, Cameron, Shawn, and so on–but when almost all the seduction required is name-dropping that you’re Jon Snow’s cousin, you know the juice is going to be worth the squeeze.

Here’s why we love it:

1. European Heritage

Almost every visiting American belle has some European heritage she’s looking to explore. This is great, because you think we’re all sexual deviants. Claiming that anal is normal for European women and that monogamy isn’t a part of my national culture? Guilty. Ditto threeways. Because apparently, in my country, it’s an honor for a woman to share her man with another woman.

Small FYI: “European” bathing is definitely not a thing in most of Europe. It’s mostly just the occasional middle-aged white dude weirding out the rest of the beach. The only country where the women are consistently topless is France, where, thanks to years without tan lines, you’ll only find women whose breasts have, in truly Gallic style, completely surrendered to gravity.

2. Cultural Knowledge

Sure, we’ve got about a few hundred years of a cultural head start on you, but that doesn’t mean we’ve got all the answers. No, wait–we do.

“Did you know that Big Ben is named after Benjamin Franklin?”
“That’s amazing!”
“I know, who knew?”

“They say that this is where Cedric Diggory died in Harry Potter.”
“That’s so sad. I heart Robert Pattinson.”
“Has anyone ever told you that you look like a pretty Kristen Stewart?”

“According to royal legend, a future king and queen’s first kiss must be in the shadow of Buckingham Palace at midnight.”
“No. Way. Seriously?”
“What a coincidence! There’s Buckingham Palace, and it’s nearly midnight.”

3. The Accent

Like most European countries, our government subsidizes a certain amount of British movies every year. They’re mostly the three act romantic nonsense you only watch when your girlfriend is punishing you. Although it’s 90 minutes of your life that you’ll never get back, it’s still a hell of a lot easier than apologizing sincerely. In fact, there’s almost nothing good about these films. Unless you’re one of Will and Kate’s future subjects, in which case, your accent is now a panty-dropping Pavlovian trigger.

Words such as “gosh,” “cripes,” or just about any interjection used in “Downton Abbey” are particularly effective. They’re absolute nonsense to anyone who has grown up on Greenwich Mean Time, but for some reason, these phrases have the same effect as Clooney telling a young starlet about his place on Lake Como or a “Fight Club”-era Brad Pitt body.

4. Drinking Age

Her first time drinking without a fake ID? Probably. Ordering shots like she’s Lil Jon? YAY-UH! Still only has a freshman tolerance for liquor? Absolutely.

Despite living in the land of the free, you have to be an adult for three years to legally drink alcohol. That makes no sense. But then, neither does celebrating your independence from Britain…by going home with a Brit. Still, that’s what makes commemorating the Fourth of July in the UK truly special: two great nations coming together twice that night and once in the morning as she chants USA! USA! in perfect cadence with my vinegar strokes.

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Selfies are my Viagra, pastel shades are my niqab and more than one ex has compared me to Jon Hamm in Bridesmaids.

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