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There are misfortunes, and then there are catastrophes. The term “misfortune” should be reserved for the times you knock over your beer while hurling death threats at the kicker. “Catastrophe,” on the other hand, is a word used too often and too loosely in today’s illiterate society. Its official definition is, “an event causing great and often sudden damage or suffering; a disaster.” Going off of that, I’d put my balls on the line and classify the loss of 10,000 cases of Miller Lite to the sewer and a pile of sand as a ghastly catastrophe.
Just outside a Walmart in Alexander City, Ala., two dipshit truck drivers somehow managed to collide and mangle their 18-wheelers, which resulted in a breach of at least one trailer and the subsequent massacre of alcoholic beverages.
Ten thousand cases. That is a lot of fucking beer. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever seen 10,000 cases in my life, much less have I had the pleasure of consuming such a sizable amount. None of us here at Total Frat Move are mathematicians, but we combined our numerical skills and figured that around 240,000 cans were lost. That is more beer than an entire fraternity will drink in a year. If we were to charge $9 per beer–as is the rage across American sports arenas–we’d earn $2.16 million in revenue. I could dabble with $2.16 mil.
Instead of receiving an early Christmas present, the residents of Alexander City were forced to watch as the alcoholic debris was hauled away in dump trucks.
“Now that I know no one was hurt, that’s what I would call real alcohol abuse,” Alexander City’s Kristy Coley said after seeing the mess.
Other bystanders were quick to volunteer to help with cleanup. Instead a front-end loader, dump truck, sand, along with two commercial truck wreckers were used to get the roadway clear.
“I will haul as much of that off as they want,” Mark Winters of Sylacauga said as he watched police sort out the details.
Imagine all the vomit and bad decisions that 240,000 cans of Miller Lite could bring on. Fuck, I’m at full mast..