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A Eulogy For Mr. Met

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mr. met middle finger eulogy

Oh, how the almighty have fallen.

Even as a Yankees fan, there was always one member of the Mets organization I trusted. It was Mr. Met. There was just something lovable about the guy, who looks like a cartoon a second grade little leaguer drew in his short bus-stocked art class, that I can never hate, even if he is just a sad man in a sweaty costume.

But Mr. Met has had a rough few days. After losing a game earlier this week, Mr. Met got fired for shooting some fans the squawker.

Sporting events frustrate everyone. I cannot tell you how many times sports, combined with their annoying fans, have pissed me off. Except when I’m frustrated at sporting events, I’m usually drunk leaving a hockey arena in the middle of Newark, New Jersey (you can understand the melting pot of frustration). And don’t even get me started on how angry I was when the Yankees failed to win that sixth and seventh championship in my 22-year-old lifetime. Heartbreaking.

But Mr. Met! You’re not allowed to get frustrated. You are a “brand ambassador,” or whatever corporate buzzword B.S. by which they want to refer to you. You gotta keep your cool, no matter how much you want to flip that annoying dude in the bleachers the Greg Bird.

The Mets really gave you the shaft, and I’m not talking about the one that got Matt Harvey suspended after he stuck it in T.J. Rivera’s locker. “J.J. Watt of baseball” Bryce Harper got a three-game suspension for clocking Hunter Strickland, and he should have easily got at least ten just for that god awful helmet throw. Strickland used Harper’s hip for target practice like it was a fucking pitch-back in little league and only got the boot for six games. If they can get away with that, Mr. Met’s termination for some petty non-verbal communication seems a little severe.

I keep hearing people talk about how what Mr. Met did was unacceptable. “He should be a role model for the children! Good thing he was fired!” A role model for the children? Really? Look, he might be a better role model than the Kardashians, but if a cartoon baseball person who dances around for the enjoyment of drunk morons is your kid’s role model, maybe you failed as a parent. Maybe your kids’ role models should be people who actually succeeded at life and who inspire children to be the best they can be (no offense, Mr. Met).

Was firing Mr. Met too harsh? I’ll be the Aaron Judge of that (okay, last Yankees-Mets joke; I swear) — yes. Maybe I’m biased. After all, I’ve done plenty of things at sporting events worse than what Mr. Met did, just without the wearing of a fluffy baseball costume. We all have. Hell, I once bareknuckle boxed a random man in the parking lot of a Nets game when they still played at the New Jersey Meadowlands without a big baseball head to both hide behind and protect me from blows. How is it that streakers at sporting events become national folk heroes but offensive-gesturing mascots are public enemy number one? You either die a hero, or see yourself long enough to become a villain.

Mr. Met: you were wrong, but I still love you. Your career as a MLB spiritual leader will no doubt bounce back, although the Mets’ season most likely won’t. You’re better off without them, anyway.

Godspeed, Mr. Met. Godspeed.

Image via Twitter

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Previously known for being the 4th best improv comedian in the state of New Jersey, he enjoyed a brief career in politics by serving on his fraternity's eboard until a scandal not as bad as the Lewinsky scandal, but more memorable than Whitewater lead to his resignation. Now, he spends his time making God awful jokes in chapter meetings, rooting for a shitty New Jersey hockey team, and serving on the congressional committee set to determine whether Oprah Winfrey should be classified as a cult or a religion.

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