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A Foolproof Guide To Winning Every Text Argument

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But it’s 2016, and the argument game is rapidly changing. Decades ago, arguments were simple and there were one or two different types of relationship arguments. Now there are a gazillion. You can argue with your girl in person, over the phone, through text, through Skype, through FaceTime, through Facebook, through subtweets, through angry Snapchats, through dick pics with frowny faces drawn on them.

Right now, let’s focus on text arguments. Being good at text arguments is an art form, much like painting, writing music, or jerking off without getting caught in a movie theater. And like anything else, you get better at it more and more with each time you do it. So, in any relationship, it’s inevitable that you will fight from time to time. And a lot of those fights will probably be through text. Do you suck at text arguments? Just like how Kanye sucks at being humble or how I suck at writing? Well, let’s fix that, bucko.

I’m going to make you a text argument champion. You will be undefeated. You’ll have a wall with all the heavyweight belts you’ve won over the years from text argument knockouts. You will be a god.

So let’s begin the training. Wrap your hands up and put the boxing gloves on, fucker. Here’s my guide for text arguments. A few tips so you can taste victory every time you step in the ring.

Type as fast as you can.

Text arguments are a goddamn race. They’re like NASCAR on crack. It’s all about speed. So stretch those hands and get fucking ready. I’m not gonna lie to you; you MIGHT get carpel tunnel syndrome. But if you wanna be a text argument champ, then goddammit that’s a price you better be willing to pay.

Nobody types faster than an angry woman. They think fast, and their fingers move at unreal rates, hitting each letter with insane speed and precision to express their fury quickly and passionately. It’s impressive really. When Stephen King is writing books, he WISHES he could come up with shit as fast as a mad female. Pissed off ladies NEVER get writers block. They’ll send you paragraphs and paragraphs and paragraphs of angry speeches, outlining in extremely specific detail every single reason why you got them fucked up. So type as fast as fucking possible. Think fast and type fast. Ignore typos. You don’t have time to fix them. She’s smart so she’ll figre it out. (See how I spelled figure wrong and ignored it? That’s me practicing. Brilliant, I know.)

Refuse to lose.

Even if you don’t have a leg to stand on in this debate, keep fighting on. Fuck logic, fuck reasoning, and fuck all your cognitive dissonance (whatever that fuck means.) This is about being fast and furious (think of all 7 of those shitty movies – they probably wrote them fast and furiously, so be like that). You don’t have time to slow down and think shit through. This is about victory. This is about making her feel like she lost, and having your teammates pour Gatorade on you afterward.

Even if she brings up valid points, just be an asshole and ignore them. She’s mad that you stared at her friend Lindsay’s tits? Just move on. She’s mad that you never pay attention to her needs and her feelings? Just move on. She’s mad that you got a boner at her grandmother’s funeral? That was messed up, but just move on. Refuse to lose.

Stick to the script.

Don’t try to be slick and change the topic. You may think that’s a smart plan, but it’s not. When you change the topic, you open up another argument. That’s two goddamn arguments at once now. What’s next? Two arguments? Four arguments? Seven arguments? 952385792517 arguments? (I can’t count – I’ll admit this.)

Try to keep this restricted to just one argument. The more arguments, the more insane this shit will get. Too many arguments will eventually confuse you or stress you out. Your head will end up spinning around like a tilt-a-whirl and eventually exploding, splattering blood and brain bits on the ceiling and walls. Stick to the script and stay calm.

Save your harshest insult for an emergency.

Everyone has one thing that they’re most sensitive about. Everyone has that one button that should never be pushed. I don’t care what gender you are. Men, women, transgender women, transgender men, non-binary genderfluid peanut butter sandwiches — we all have it. This includes your girlfriend. If you know your girl well, you know what hers is. Maybe she fucked 77 guys in one night back in her senior year of high school at a Halloween party while dressed as a minion. 77 dudes back-to-back stuffing that minion vagina. Maybe she’s insecure that the hair on her head is blonde, but her pubic hair is somehow purple. Whatever it is, you know it.

But whatever it is, HOLD BACK. Don’t say it yet. That insult should be kept in a glass case next to a hammer. In case of emergency, break open glass. This insult should be used, but ONLY as a last resort. You don’t wanna shoot your wad too quick, because if it doesn’t work, you’re out of ammo. Be patient, young grasshopper.

But if the argument has been going on A LONG, LONG TIME, and you’re getting exhausted, then take it out. If you have nothing left, use that insult. After she’s done with her latest paragraph, hit her with that “WELL I GUESS THAT’S WHY YOU FUCKED 77 DUDES ON HALLOWEEN, YOU PURPLE PUBE MINION MOTHERFUCKA!!!”

Boom, argument over. Bask in your glory as “We Are The Champions” by Queen starts playing.

Image via Shutterstock

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Wally Bryton

TFM's most beloved writer

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