I’m a girl who enjoys working out, which is somewhat of a unicorn in this pizza and Netflix obsessed culture. In this world, the freshman fifteen lives on despite a free school gym membership and more time than you’ll ever have again in your life, EVER. In this post-high school sports environment, healthy butts just aren’t surviving anymore. That is why I’m here. That is why I must spread this message to the masses. For the sake of cutoff shorts and cheeky bikini bottoms, every girl should squat, and they should do it for at least one of these reasons.
1. Butts & Boobs
After a year of #ButtStuff2015, I think everyone can agree butts trump boobs. There are just more butt guys out there than there are boob guys. Maybe it’s because there’s a whole different world of sexcapades hidden in our panties. Maybe it’s because Instagram has yet to put a restriction on hybrid thong bikinis. Maybe it’s because a plump rump can turn plain old leggings into soft-core porn. Whatever the reason may be, I’m not about to argue with natural selection. You know why? Because, with enough gym time, any girl can have “dat ass” all the rappers are singing lewd lyrics about these days. (I’m looking at you, Tyga.) Whether a girl is born with good boobs or not, she can still always get a better butt — no costly surgery needed. All she has to do is pretend she’s sitting down on an imaginary chair a few times a day and *voila* she’s Jen Selter.
2. Girl-On-Top Longevity
The girl-on-top and reverse cowgirl sex positions aren’t always the easiest of bedroom gymnastics when trying to get a guy off (especially after he and his good friend Whiskey have been hanging out). It takes the stamina of an energizer bunny to pull off repetitive, down-and-up motions until we make you guys do what your right hands were ergonomically designed for. In my experience, squatting has proven most effective in preparing for these types of situations. If your girl has been hitting the gym or boot(y) camp, it just makes this task so much more pleasurable — for you and for her. (But mostly you.)
3. Bikini Bottoms
Those things just keep getting smaller and smaller and it is NOT because butts are. Our culture is now widely accepting of the almost-thong bottoms. #SunsOutBumsOut So, why not embrace our highly advanced social culture? Girls only have one chance to live their best four years. We might as well take advantage of our prime metabolic speed and free school gym memberships to break some necks at PCB.
4. Heart Health
Big boobs can actually cause medical issues to arise and lead a woman to (gasp) breast reduction surgery, but I bet you’ve never heard of butt reduction surgery. Even Kylie Jenner, with some of the world’s best genetics, is getting ass enhancers. No girl who spends enough time getting in her squats is ever going to be like, “OMG my butt is so big it’s causing me physical harm!” They’re more like, “OMG my ass looks so good, and I can dance longer, and this dress is so tight in all the right places!” The fact is that having a daily dose of squats (and whatever else Cosmo tells girls to do these days) is good for us, and I’m just saying a healthy lifestyle needs to be at the forefront of our concerns. Or something like that.
5. Social Media Popularity
Most girls are obsessed with Instagram, and most guys have the app because it’s less expensive and has a wider library of photos than any gas station nudie mag. If a girl posts a photo of her cat, she has to be Taylor Swift to get any likes on that junk. However, if a girl posts a picture guys actually want to see, her likes are going to go through the roof. Another Instagram fad is the all-admired “fitness model.” Jen Selter and her many mini-mes are living proof that squatting for the Internet is a sure fire way to social media popularity. And there’s the whole “I only follow her for workout tips” excuse you can give your girlfriend when you like a video of another girl’s extensive squatting routine. It’s just a fact — like any other mathematically proven relationship. Less clothes + more squats = likes on likes on likes.
I challenge each and every one of you to spread this message, or your once favorite spectacle will forever become extinct..