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A Letter From the Hawks

What if Gordon Bombay HADN’T blown that .08? Then none of this would have happened. THIS IS SHIT! Fucking District Five took us down in the championship? We’re the Hawks motherfucker. We don’t lose to anybody, especially not a team whose lineup card is filled with orphans and pre-teen meth dealers. Fulton Reed deals meth, by the way. Only in fucking Minnesota would some kids from the ghetto still play hockey. There’s a reason they made the equipment so expensive damnit! Every single player on that roster is a fucking GDI, NO EXCEPTIONS. Even Bombay, the high profile alcoholic lawyer, has lost all our respect. Hey Bombay, if you really wanted to make a difference with your community service maybe you should’ve been serving food to your players in the soup kitchen instead of coaching them on the ice. After all, you can’t eat a trophy.

But honestly, looking over the Ducks’ roster is fucking infuriating. These kids are worthless. Some of them look familiar, probably from that time “Cops” came to Minneapolis. Goldberg’s dad got arrested robbing a White Castle. The whole time Goldberg just sat there in the store, crying and eating. Let’s take a look at some of these pieces of shit:

Charlie Conway: Yeah, the kid can play. But so what? So can every guy on the Hawks. Having one good player doesn’t mean your team is good. Also he’s a little bitch with daddy issues. Newsflash, Bombay is going to RAIL your mom, deal with it. At least after he’s done disgracing your mother in every part of the trailer you live in he might feel obliged to buy you some decent shit. What’s that? He just gave up his life as a high powered attorney to be a minor league hockey player? Never mind, you’ll be in the poor house forever.

Fulton Reed: Meth dealer, but we covered that. He’s the Ducks enforcer and frankly none of us wanted anything to do with him. You know what Reed whispered in our center’s ear when he checked him against the boards? “I used to fuck guys like you in juvee.” We believed him, we really did. Whatever, have fun OD’ing in a dumpster after the state takes your three children away. But he had to know his story would end in an unmarked grave, right?

Greg Goldberg: Eating food while playing goalie isn’t charming and whimsical. It’s sad. Have fun with Type 2 Diabetes and a lifetime of portly lovers, asshole.

Adam Banks: Adam used to be best friends with all of us. He was the first one to have a Sega AND Super Nintendo. He was the first one of us to ever get a hand job. But now Adam Banks is dead to the Hawks. Fuck you Banks, you traitor. Sure you dress preppy and look the part, but you are the company you keep. In this case that company is the kids who use food stamps to buy pretzels at the mall food court. Have fun with that. After a while saying “It’s okay guys, I can pay for all seventeen movie tickets” is going to get real old. Dick.

Tommy and Tammy Duncan: Where to start? They have a girl on their team? I thought we were playing fucking sports! But wait, what? Tommy Duncan is a male figure skater? Not to imply anything inappropriate but it might be safe to say that he enjoys penises in and around his mouth. How angry was Tommy Duncan that he couldn’t put tassels on his uniform? Did he insist on playing Enya for every pregame skate? The fact that our team was beaten by a squad manned by a figure skater and girl makes me angry enough to punch my maid in the face…again.

Fuck the rest of the Ducks. Who cares? Right? We’re still the Hawks. They have one championship, so what? We have like ten. We’ll also all be attending prestigious universities, joining top tier fraternities, and slamming gorgeous sorostitutes. Maybe a few of us will even go pro, in which case that lifestyle will increase tenfold. What will the Ducks be up to in the future? They’ll be back living in District Five working meaningless jobs, married to plain women, and telling their kids to stay away from Fulton Reed. The Hawks may not have won this game, but in life our lead is insurmountable. The Ducks can suck all of our balls.

Sincerely,
The Hawks

You can follow me on twitter @BaconTFM

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