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A Letter To The Republican Party

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Dear GOP,

I love you, but you’ve got to get your shit together. Obama’s re-election should have served as a swift kick to the dick. You lost to Barry twice, because you failed to field a legitimate candidate that is alluring to both sides. You need to ditch the useless Randroids and find candidates with real substance. Obama came out of nowhere preaching “change” and people ate it up. It was a glitch in the matrix, and the Democrats capitalized on it…twice. If you want to know why you keep getting your ass kicked, all you have to do is look at Obama’s competition.

The first time around, you picked John McCain and Sarah Palin. John McCain is a veteran who spent time in a POW camp. He wasn’t very subtle about his warlike tendencies and his desire to haze the world with the American military. Alzheimer’s and Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome don’t really go well together if you’re driving a car, let alone a nation.

I have nothing against McCain as a man, he’s an American hero and a total badass, but he was way too old. There was a real chance that he could have died in office. That wouldn’t necessarily be a bad thing if the VP replacing him didn’t hold the Guinness World record for Stupidest Person on Earth. Secret Service would have had their hands full teaching Palin that “the square peg doesn’t fit in the round hole” and “Russia is pretty much my backyard” is not a good foreign policy.

To this day, I still cannot understand why Sarah Palin resonated with people. Maybe it’s because she’s really dumb and hot. Using those criteria to select a slam is acceptable, but not for the potential ruler of the free world.

Nominating Sarah Palin as the VP candidate single handedly guaranteed your failure in 2008. It’s almost like you wanted to lose…like it was deliberate. If you went to Hades and thawed out Karl Rove from his thousand-year slumber, he’d be fucking pissed. Sarah Palin was a very carefully crafted joke and the American people missed the punch line.

The second time around you picked Mitt Romney as a candidate, only because he bought the primaries with his billions. What a terrible decision. You found the richest corporate elitist that you could dig up and hoped that somehow average voters would relate to him. Sure, wealthy people will vote for Mitt, but an overwhelming majority of America is not wealthy. In Romney’s eyes if you’re not in the 1%, you’re poor and not worth his time. Nominating Mitt Romney was like putting a great white shark at the end of a slip n’ slide and saying “Have fun, kids!” Way to downplay class warfare, geniuses.

The problem is that you have forsaken truly conservative ideology. Romney ran on the platform of immediately repealing Obamacare, even though Romneycare is just as flamingly liberal. You’re a fake party, just like the Democrats that you’ve opposed for so long. They’ve infected you. You’re beginning to emulate them. You are both just watered down middle ground parties now. You’re both harbingers of big government and the rampant destruction of our civil liberties. Your subterfuge is failing. People are starting to see you for what you are.

There is a libertarian rift growing within the Republican Party. If you, as a party, cannot accommodate this, you run the risk of alienating conservative voters who are tired of waiting for you to grow up and emerge from the dark ages.

The problem is that people focus on superficial social issues like abortion, drugs, God, gays, and healthcare without realizing that both parties promote the same form of big government expansion. These issues shouldn’t even be the federal government’s concern. If you want to beat the democrats you have to revive true conservatism. You’ve got to stop the trend towards more government and socialism.

The only thing the government should be concerned with is providing for the common defense and honoring contracts between individuals. ALL OTHER POLICIES AND SERVICES should be handled by the states. Local state governments are more efficient at handling these kinds of issues anyways. That’s what real conservatism is, remember?

Upholding the constitution, defending civil liberties, and advocating states rights is a strategy that appeals to most intelligent people, regardless of party affiliation. If you let a third party that supports these ideals grow stronger, you’re going to keep losing votes until you wake up and embrace reality.

Many democrats are simply social policy democrats. They vote that way because they think a woman’s right to choose, or gay marriage, is more important than conservative economics. Many would vote republican, if only there was a candidate who embraced conservative economic policies while allowing a more open stance on social liberties.

That’s why Ron Paul gained so much popularity. He seemed to be saying what true conservatives secretly believe in their hearts. Keep the federal government as small as possible and leave all the other liberal social bullshit to the states. Both parties have lost sight of America’s original constitutional intention. It’s not time for more “change,” it’s time to get back to our roots.

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RageTheory (@RageTheory) is a contributing writer for Total Frat Move. He enjoys long walks of whiskey and sodomy on the beach.

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