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A Look Inside The Oklahoma City Thunder’s Sad Last-Ditch Effort to Keep Kevin Durant

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Shortly before Monday, July 4th, OKC Thunder General Manager Sam Presti and AGM Troy Weaver meet Kevin Durant at the front doors of Chesapeake Energy Arena with a gigantic banner that reads “Taking on Tomorrow – Today.” They’re smiling like idiots. There’s probably a mariachi band and a guy with a bag of doves hiding behind the corner, waiting for when KD commits.

Things are not going to go well for Sam. Let’s watch.


Kevin! Welcome to your future! This is your town, KD! Who needs to be a champion? Now—hey, come on, Kevin. Where are you going? No, that’s Steven Adams’ door.

Wait—come this way, Kevin. No, this is your door here. Okay, alright, well. That’s okay. We just won’t post that picture. We’ll get him on the way out. It’s fine.

How’d the dinner with Russell and Nick Collison go? I heard it was delicious! Yum! Can’t get that good ol’ Okla-home-cooking anywhere else. Ha ha. Right?

No? What? You’ve got a jet going to the Hamptons? Well, Kev, we really thought we could save you the trip, I mean…

Oh, no. We understand, Kevin. It’s a big decision. Doesn’t have to be, but hey! Enjoy the beaches, superstar! You’ve earned it. We’ll see you back in OKC for fireworks and BBQ on Monday right? Ha ha.

Dammit! We’re never getting Horford unless Kevin commits. Get Clay on the phone, we’re going to the Hamptons.

Later, in the Hamptons:

Swanky place you got here, Kevin! Love the decorating. Can’t ask for a better vacation pad. I do see the security is a little lacking though. I passed Tom Brady and Jerry West in the foyer. Ha ha! Can’t keep the riff raff out, huh? So are you hearing a lot of good things from the other teams? I mean sure, they’ve been recruiting you for two hours — we’ve only been doing it for nine years. No pressure or anything.

Oh! We brought along some friends of yours — trainers, equipment managers, support staff, and your favorite PR guys — people you’ve worked with every day. We also brought this orphan, holding a tiny puppy. They both have cancer, Kevin. Gosh, it would mean the world to everyone back home if you stayed. You are going to, right? Please?

Okay, I know you need some time to think it over. We’ll be here if you need us.

Troy, find us a rental, preferably something beachfront. No rentals? Damn, I guess it is the 4th. Fine, get a hotel. It’d better be at least a motherfucking Hilton. What? All we’ve got is a Holiday Inn Express? Sweet Larry Bird, this weekend could literally not get any worse.

At the Holiday Inn:

Dammit Troy, if you don’t stop playing that damn Pitbull song, I’m going to take that Beats Pill and give you an enema with it. This is not a time for celebration.

What do you mean we’ve only got SIX ROOMS?! There are nine of us! Okay, who’s going summer camp style?

God, this is a low point. I just don’t understand why Kevin is thinking about going over to the dark side. We’ve always tried to foster a rigid and highly professional team atmosphere at the Thunder. Who wants to have fun playing basketball like those Golden State assholes? We’re “First Class.”

I’m starving. What’s open Troy? Nothing? Just Applebee’s? You know, I don’t even care anymore. Woah! Go easy on those jalapeño poppers, team! We might need the money to sign some new talent. I can’t believe I’m even saying that. Ugh. What a nightmare. Let’s just go to bed.

Dibs on not bunking with Clay. He’s got gas.

[via ESPN]

Image via YouTube

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Doctor Franzia

*Not qualified to practice medicine*

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