NEW TFM Videos Section

Watch thousands of hilarious videos from college campuses across the country.

Watch Now

A Pledge Program That Won’t Get You Kicked Off Campus

======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ==== ======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ====

Screen shot 2013-08-19 at 5.28.47 PM

Let’s face it, guys. In a world where the very mention of the “H-Word” is enough to send your university on a psychotic witch hunt, pledge programs just can’t be held to the same standards that they once were. While some factors of hazing are unquestionably a good thing for our society, it seems that administrations want pledgeship to be nothing more than another excuse to appease the helicopter-parented “everyone deserves a trophy” generation. A great man once said, “These times, they are a-changing,” and it’s only a matter of time before the pledge programs that we hold so dear start to look a little more like this:

Week 1

– Welcome your newest members with a rowdy Ice Cream Social upstairs. Just make sure everyone gets home before 9. You wouldn’t want to interfere with anyone’s studies.
– Force brothers to serve as designated drivers for the new pledge class, in order to build a bond of unity within your house.
– Ensure that the brotherhood remembers to always say “Please” and “Thank you” to pledges when appropriate.

Week 2

– Issue an open-book National Exam of the fabled history of your house.
– Commend the pledges for their average exam score of 98.
– Let any pledges who didn’t pass retake the exam; be sure to remind them that it’s no big deal.

Week 3

– Hold an optional cleaning party for pledges before a sorority mixer.
– Apologize to female guest for having an absolutely disgusting house.
– Blame the brotherhood itself, boast about having “the best pledge class ever!”

Week 4

– Send pledges on an extremely simple scavenger hunt, including, but not limited, to three blades of grass, one shoe, and one legally obtained street sign with a receipt.
– Lock pledges in basement for no longer than five minutes. Gotta set them straight somehow.
– Match pledges with their new big brothers. Organize house-wide Twister tournament to solidify these new bonds.

Week 5

– Encourage brothers to meet pledges for personal interviews. All interviews should consist of nothing but fifteen minutes of high-fiving and encouragement.
– Warmly welcome the pledges’ families when they visit, and treat their attractive sisters with the utmost respect and dignity.
– Confiscate all pledge fake IDs in order to discourage underage drinking.

Week 6

– Start calling your pledges “brothers” so they don’t feel left out.
– Steal pledge cell phones during their weekly pledge meeting.
– Optimize each person’s phone with several study based apps in order to ensure good grades.

Week 7

– Assign pledges an optional designated driver duty for the week.
– Bail out the massive amount of brothers who receive DUIs because they were unable to find a ride home.
– Encourage future pledge drivers with cash incentives for DD shifts.

Week 8

– Trust falls!
– Line up your pledges in the chapter room, and very calmly tell each one how they have disappointed you this semester.
– Lighten the mood afterwards by taking a pledge class field trip for some FroYo.

Week 9

– Commend pledges for their resourcefulness when they hire an outside cleaning service to touch up the house.
– Offer the pledges house funding to offset the cost of their ingenuity.
– Celebrate a pledge’s 19th birthday with an O’doul’s triple kegger and some cupcakes.

Week 10

– Punish any pledges who have disrespected brothers by not allowing them to eat dessert.
– Notify pledges that they will be spending the next few weeks living at the house. Give them specific instructions for what to pack.
– Initiate the pledges immediately, and congratulate them on all the hard work they have accomplished.


Email this to a friend


StuffFratPeopleLike (@StuffFratsLike) is a writer for Total Frat Move, and due to his crippling OCD and functional alcoholism he can only understand and write text when presented in a numbered list format. So you're all jerks for calling him out on it. He is a self described Huguenot, and commands a secret sexual fetish for angry internet comments.

50 Comments You must log in to comment, or create an account
Show Comments

Download Our App

Take TFM with you. Get

The Feed