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Let’s face it, guys. In a world where the very mention of the “H-Word” is enough to send your university on a psychotic witch hunt, pledge programs just can’t be held to the same standards that they once were. While some factors of hazing are unquestionably a good thing for our society, it seems that administrations want pledgeship to be nothing more than another excuse to appease the helicopter-parented “everyone deserves a trophy” generation. A great man once said, “These times, they are a-changing,” and it’s only a matter of time before the pledge programs that we hold so dear start to look a little more like this:
– Welcome your newest members with a rowdy Ice Cream Social upstairs. Just make sure everyone gets home before 9. You wouldn’t want to interfere with anyone’s studies.
– Force brothers to serve as designated drivers for the new pledge class, in order to build a bond of unity within your house.
– Ensure that the brotherhood remembers to always say “Please” and “Thank you” to pledges when appropriate.
– Issue an open-book National Exam of the fabled history of your house.
– Commend the pledges for their average exam score of 98.
– Let any pledges who didn’t pass retake the exam; be sure to remind them that it’s no big deal.
– Hold an optional cleaning party for pledges before a sorority mixer.
– Apologize to female guest for having an absolutely disgusting house.
– Blame the brotherhood itself, boast about having “the best pledge class ever!”
– Send pledges on an extremely simple scavenger hunt, including, but not limited, to three blades of grass, one shoe, and one legally obtained street sign with a receipt.
– Lock pledges in basement for no longer than five minutes. Gotta set them straight somehow.
– Match pledges with their new big brothers. Organize house-wide Twister tournament to solidify these new bonds.
– Encourage brothers to meet pledges for personal interviews. All interviews should consist of nothing but fifteen minutes of high-fiving and encouragement.
– Warmly welcome the pledges’ families when they visit, and treat their attractive sisters with the utmost respect and dignity.
– Confiscate all pledge fake IDs in order to discourage underage drinking.
– Start calling your pledges “brothers” so they don’t feel left out.
– Steal pledge cell phones during their weekly pledge meeting.
– Optimize each person’s phone with several study based apps in order to ensure good grades.
– Assign pledges an optional designated driver duty for the week.
– Bail out the massive amount of brothers who receive DUIs because they were unable to find a ride home.
– Encourage future pledge drivers with cash incentives for DD shifts.
– Trust falls!
– Line up your pledges in the chapter room, and very calmly tell each one how they have disappointed you this semester.
– Lighten the mood afterwards by taking a pledge class field trip for some FroYo.
– Commend pledges for their resourcefulness when they hire an outside cleaning service to touch up the house.
– Offer the pledges house funding to offset the cost of their ingenuity.
– Celebrate a pledge’s 19th birthday with an O’doul’s triple kegger and some cupcakes.
– Punish any pledges who have disrespected brothers by not allowing them to eat dessert.
– Notify pledges that they will be spending the next few weeks living at the house. Give them specific instructions for what to pack.
– Initiate the pledges immediately, and congratulate them on all the hard work they have accomplished.