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It’s Finals week, and I’ll be honest with you folks: I’m burnt out.
Last Thursday, it got to the point where I was going to off myself like the old dude in Shawshank. I even put on my suit, got up on a barstool with my trusty rope in hand, and started carving into the wall “JParks was here.”
It was then that I heard the most wonderful sound in the world: The NFL Draft theme song. I couldn’t resist. Ladies and gentlemen, I bring to you the inaugural JParks Running Draft Diary.
ESPN starts the festivities off with possibly the cheesiest promo that I’ve ever heard by what I presume is some generic rapper. “We goin’ to the Super Bowl…the Draft…is on.” What, was Jim Jones busy doing karaoke night in Jersey? Balllllliiinnnn.
And we’re live at New York’s Radio City Music Hall, being greeted by world-renowned orator Jon Gruden, women’s rights activist Chris Berman, and of course,Oil crisis? What oil crisis? If we can just convince Sarah Palin to run a washcloth through Mel’s hair, we might be able to tack on another 20 years to our expected fossil fuel supply.
Camera pans over thousands of fans decked out in Giants blue. I hate everybody.
Andrew Luck to Colts. No surprise there. I’m a bit thrown off by his face, though. Honestly, the guy looks like Eli solving a Rubik’s cube.
Based on looks alone, I’m going to guess his Wonderlic score was about 5.
Luck’s doing an interview with Suzy Kolber-Namath. The unintentional comedy of his voice is outstanding.
RGIII chants echo through Radio City Music Hall as he goes to the Skins second. Jon Gruden says “I don’t care who you are, running a 4.3 forty is fast.” They don’t call him the best color man in the game for nothing folks.
How old is Mort?
Trent Richardson to Browns. Yeah, that’s going to end well.
Are you not entertained, Tide fans? ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED? Your darling National Championship star running back is going to a city that God hates so much, he set a statue of His Son on fire with a lightning bolt just to mercy kill it.
The World Wide Leader, always on the forefront of revolutionary technology, displays a thought-provoking Tweet from some dude named Grant Martin from Minneapolis, asking “Who are the Vikings going to pick?” Ladies and gentlemen, the wonders of social media!
Jags have traded up. With the Minny stadium deal about to go through, they and the Chargers have to be the favorites to move to LA, right? Jacksonville, you sealed your destiny when you failed to land Saint Tebow, and all of his fantasy football blessings. You have no one to blame but yourselves.
Vikings pick Matt Kalil, OT, USC. Boomer says he reminds him of 1968 first pick Ron Yary. Who? Yeah. Let’s move on.
Gruden says the Jags need to get some weapons for Blaine Gabbert. I’m sure Matt Jones knows a guy.
“They haven’t had a receiver like this in Jacksonville since Jimmy Smith.” High praise.
Rams trade their picks to Cowboys. Yellow-bellied cowards.
Morris Claiborne to Cowboys. Somewhere in Austin, Dorn’s demanding that a pledge get him a new pair of pants. America’s team just landed themselves the nation’s best corner this side of the 50 yard line.
3 Florida teams picking within 5 picks. Slowly realizing this was a mistake.
That’s all for now, folks.