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Around the Thanksgiving season, it’s always a good idea to sit back and take stock of all the things in life that make it worth living. It’s a time to appreciate the people around you, the things that you have, and the things that make you who you are. But for many SJWs, protestors, and the perpetually offended, it seems that their sense of entitlement conflicts with the spirit of the season. After all, it’s hard to show your gratitude after reading a list of demands. So I’ve put together a little list of my own, of what I imagine an SJW would be thanking us for this year, making their lives appear worthwhile. After all, if not us than who?
- Dear fraternities, thank you for always being there when I need a self-esteem boost of false social justice.
- Thank you for always holding the door open for me in public places, not so that I can walk through, but so I can call you a misogynist to your face.
- Thank you for having test banks. After all, what else would I blame your grades on? Intelligence?
- Thank you for allowing me to stop having to think critically. Blaming you outright without any proof really frees up a lot of my mental space.
- Thank you for gathering all those sorority girls in once place during your parties. Having to see them out and about on the streets really reinforces how unattractive I feel. But out of sight, out of mind!
- Thank you for drinking so heavily. It’s much easier to accuse you when you’re intoxicated.
- Thank you having centrally-located houses easily visible on campus. Having to spray-paint defaming slurs at a bunch of different places throughout town would take a lot of time!
- Thank you for forgetting to show up to your intramural. My Quidditch squad really needed the field to practice.
- Thank you for being such a great living embodiment of the ‘patriarchy’. A bunch of white, upper-middle-class males is such an easy target.
- Thank you for having sororities participate in your philanthropies. After all, without them I’d have to credit you for raising money but instead I can just blame you for abusing working women and perpetuating a culture of misogyny.
- Thank you for electing that new risk management chair, ‘Scooter’. He seems like a real winner.
- Thank you for all majoring in ‘practical’ fields, I was worried my liberal-arts classes were going to start getting kind of large.
- Thank you for recording everything with your cell phones. Nothing says ‘gotcha!’ like a shaky video.
- Thank you for taking up so much space when you sit. It’s man-spreading central — I can practically see your inner thigh.
- Thank you for having pledges. They make so many more mistakes than actives!
- Thank you for hitting on girls at the bar. I love judging you from the corner.
- Thank you for enabling underclass drinking. My single in the dorm is much quieter now that I’m the only one here.
- Thank you for showing up to class half drunk. My smug sense of intellect gets a big boost when I can answer the questions for a change.
- Thank you for blacking out so frequently. If you can’t remember, you must be guilty.
- And finally, thank you to shady journalists, for allowing me to play victim without doing any research yourselves. The attention is just great..
Here’s some things the staff is thankful for…