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It was a beautiful Thursday night. Our usual friend group stopped by to pregame at our house before we hit the bar a few blocks away. It was a little early, but I was already feeling myself and the Jäger was whispering sweet nothings in my ear, so we decided to leave.
Leaving early for the bar is like fighting a bouncer; you may walk away at the end of it, but odds are you’re going to get way more fucked up than you originally anticipated. I didn’t walk away. I fought the bar and the bar won, and it was only 10:30. While I was floating around the top floor of the bar doing my best hammered Billy Madison impersonation, I saw my fuck buddy Amanda with her roommates. Just the woman I wanted to see. I put my arm around her and told her friends that I was going to borrow her for a second. After we separated from her group, she looked me up and down and immediately yelled, “Ughhhh, you’re wasted, aren’t you? Why are you always drunk whenever we hang out?” After a very insincere apology and some not-so-clever small talk, I convinced her to walk back to my house with me.
When we walked into my kitchen, we took some shots and we started hooking up. As I went to unbuckle my belt, she grabbed my arm and said, “You’re too drunk. We need to wake you up. Let’s go.” Not knowing what to expect, I followed her as she walked out my front door into the middle of the street. We were walking in the opposite direction of the bar so I asked her where she was bringing me. She rolled her eyes and said, “We’re going to the beach. I want to go for a swim.” Yes, I live on the beach during the school year. It’s awesome besides the fact that I go to school in New England and the beach isn’t particularly the warmest in late March. I continued following her down the road to the beach and we got ready to take a fucking swim.
We were still in our bar clothes and didn’t want to ruin them, so she suggested we skinny dip. I agreed and tried my best to get a chubby going before I stripped down to nothing in the 40° weather and jump into the even colder surf. We hopped into the water for all of 20 seconds until we sprinted back to our clothes. She seemed unfazed by the cold weather and made a phone call while I struggled to put my drunk body in my boxers. She said her roommate was coming to pick us up and bring us back to her house and promised me the “hottest shower of my life” when we got back. With the mixture of booze and cold weather destroying my body, my dick was virtually nonexistent. I was looking forward to the shower more than the sex at that point.
Her roommate Emily picked us up and questioned why we were naked. Before I could answer her, Amanda started attacking me with her mouth in the back seat. I could feel the tension in the car between Amanda and Emily, but I ignored it. When we finally made it to the shower I was happier than Henry Hill after he heard that the Lufthansa heist was a success. Things got hot and heavy pretty quickly. Unfortunately, we couldn’t partake in gland-to-gland combat in the shower because Emily wanted to shower before bed and shower sex makes me claustrophobic for some odd reason. I was fully torqued when she told me to go wait in her room.
As I laid in her bed with the lights off, I closed my eyes to think about how great my life is. I suddenly felt someone crawl under the comforter and get in bed with me. What happened next felt like what can only be described as a vacuum cleaner hooked up to a diesel engine. This woman was sucking the soul out of me. When I went to pull the covers back to take a look at the magic that was being done to my beanstalk, I was instantly stunned. Emily had followed me into Amanda’s room while she was still in the shower and thought it was a good idea to top me off in the meantime. Emily realized I was shocked so she stopped and explained that her and Amanda were fighting and wanted to get back at her by any means. She thought giving me slop-top was her most viable option. At this point, my mind was all over the place so I decided to just go with the flow.
We were having sex in Amanda’s bed when she finally walked in after her shower. She stopped in the doorway, paused for a second, and like a true fuck buddy, she said, “Oops, sorry, I’ll let you two finish.” That was the hottest thing that I had ever heard come out of Amanda’s mouth. She deserves to be in the slam piece HoF for that. I expected a total freak out but instead was given the okay to continue. I almost wanted to shed a tear.
After it was all said and done, I walked into the living room to find Amanda curled up in a blanket watching Netflix. I, again, expected her to lose her mind, but instead she told me how she wasn’t mad because we were just fuck buddies but that her and her roommate were going to have problems from that point on. She told me to wait on the couch while her and Emily had a talk in her room. I thought it was strange but I didn’t think anything of it and passed out on the couch. I woke up that next morning and made it to my only class on Fridays, which Emily was also conveniently enrolled in. We avoided eye contact and class went on business as usual.
The moral of the story is find a girl like Amanda, and make sure she has a roommate with a mouth like Emily’s..