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A Tale of Two Penii

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If you’re reading this article with both your life AND your pecker intact, consider yourself lucky. The number of men who are breathing and are proudly sporting a penis are deteriorating at a disturbing and astonishingly rapid pace. It was but a few days ago when some moron shot his dick off, yet still the reign of terror continues, diminishing mankind one pleasure stick at a time. Believe it or not, this week has seen at least three dick brutalities, one of which has already been featured. Today I bring you two more tales of genital tragedy.


The first few waking moments of every man’s day is truly a glorious time. Our eyes flutter open and we stretch, thrusting our rock hard morning wood sky high, pitching a tent that could shelter a family of eight. Alas, for Kentucky man Phillip Seaton, the night will no longer turn to morning glory.

A Kentucky man did not consent to have his penis amputated and the doctor who performed the surgery had options other than removing the organ, even though cancer had been found during a surgery, an attorney argued Tuesday to the Kentucky Court of Appeals.

What began as a simple circumcision quickly got out of hand. What happens when the doctor starts carving the head of your shaft like a spic of mutton at a falafel stand and discover cancer, you might ask? If Dr. John Patterson has you under the knife, then he’s probably just going to chop of your weiner. This is exactly what happened to poor ol’ Phil, who woke up rodless from his surgery.

This is about as opposite as it gets to the scene previously described. When Phillip looked down to inspect his member, no doubt tense with the excitement that only morning wood can bring, he instead found his groin more torn up than the aftermath of Sherman’s March. To no one’s surprise, Phillip is suing Dr. Patterson for injuries received without his consent, but it doesn’t matter how big of a settlement Phil receives, he might as well strangle himself. Life without a pee pee is no life at all. Unless he can get some kind of bionic megapenis, or something awesome like that.

Lethal Injection:

Okay guys, I understand everyone is looking to add a few inches, whether an infant looks hung compared to you or you’re Jonah Falcon at the airport. I know I secretly fantasize about slinging the world’s largest meatstick, mainly so I can role play a kinky rendition of ‘Little Red Riding Hood’ appropriately titled ‘Little Red Throbbin’ Hood’:

Throbbin’ Hood: “Oh My! What a large meatstick you have!”
Me: “All the better to pulverize you with, my sweets.”

However desperate you are, this is NOT the way to enhance your manhood:

A New Jersey woman pleaded not guilty Tuesday to causing a man’s death with an injection of silicone he hoped would enlarge his penis – a procedure experts cautioned doesn’t work.

Ouch… This is what happens when you have an unlicensed practitioner pump your penis full of an illegally obtained substance in her dirty apartment. Hate to break it to you man, it doesn’t matter if you have a 14-incher, good luck getting it up when you’re dead. Listen, if you’re having penis problems, I feel bad for you, son. But remember there is absolutely no shame in going through life small and flaccid. Too Flaccid To Care, the new TFTC.

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