A TFM Job Application From User Ruger_Dern

Screen Shot 2014-02-05 at 5.38.47 PM

Editor’s note: Dern’s original title for this column was “ruger_dernz appliez 4 a job!!1.”

i seed dat u guyz hav had sum reecent job listingz. i caer a litle bit about ur cumpany sew i figurd i wood giv u teh chance 2 employ mi eckspurteez. atached iz a copy of mi rezume. reed dis, den hier me.

if u dew nawt call me sewn den u kan jus go fuk urself

luv u,


teh internationul space station aka ‘kappa kapa deltuh fraternuty”
rewm numbr 69
fone numbr: 1(234)five-6789

• becum teh new fayce of totulfratmov and/and granddecks inc.
• becum a teem leeder in teh werk place
• develup many workplayce relationshipz wyle avoidin sex harasment lawsuitz
o preferubly wit: hot peez, frum rush 2 reehab, nd dat shipment of fleshlitez u guyz got

demandz (deez r all non negotiabull}:
• imunity frum sex harasment lawsuitz
• werk in a korner ofice wit large amount of big brested inturnz wit father isues
• if bacon haz a persunal ofice it wil need 2 b cleered out 4 teh folowing:
o fuly stokked bar
o striper pole
o trampoleenz
• bacon wil hav 2 b demoted 2 mi persunal inturn
o 2 fit in wit teh other inturnz, i recomend he get brest implantz
• moar demandz wil b anounced aftr u hire me

mi educating:
eligibull bacheler in collage studeez
teh univercity of itttecknicul univercity of devri feenixes unline
gpa: -1.37
graduatin date: havnt decided 2 graduat yet bcuz #sofratsocollage

relevent coursewerk:
• speek n spell 075
o didnt tecknicully pass teh class on mi own. professir agreed 2 giv me an a++ if i stoped fukin hiz wife nd daughter.
• cumunication 101
o stoppd attendin wen sum nerd told me teh class wuz spelld “com’, i thot dis wuz about sumthing else.
• publik speekin 100
o wuz askd 2 stop atending aftr thretning 2 kill teh professir 4 telin me i sounded lyk ‘helen keler chokin on a sausege”. i dont even no hu teh fuk helen keler iz u stupid dik, im not sum bulshit wommenz studee major.

y teh fuk im qualified:
• medical expertz tel me i hav wut iz knowed az a ‘agresive drinkin problem”
• i didnt vote 4 obama
o side note; i wuz legaly barred frum voting aftr beeing deemd a burdan on societee
• i maintane a presents on social meediuh includin:
o snapchet in ordr 2 get newdz
o twiter in ordr 2 get newdz
o pornhub in ordr 2 communicate wit otherz who share mi interestz
• hold many pozitions in mi fraternity, am also most widely known membr
o am onli membr of kappa kapa deltuh, unfortunatly i hazed all teh pleges 2 deth in the naem of tradition

i dont no wut dis part meenz nd teh microsoft werd paperclip wont fukin tell me

comunity involvment:
• am widly known in teh barz of mi comunity az “dat drunk peece of shit’
• hav completed ovr 200 hourz of cort orderd comunity serviss
• mi frat recentlee startd a philanthropee 2 giv money 2 kidz in africa dat cant aford premium bangbroz acountz
• wuz coach of teh local litle leegue ice luging teem until i wuz fired 4 makin teh new kidz dew keg standz



Email this to a friend


ruger_ 'teh big dog" dern (@rugerfdern) is a contributing writer for Total Frat Move. From Ruger: "undr teh part ware u sey i em an cuntributin riter, maek sure 2 mention mi big dik n how i bang becca on teh reg" #hire_ruger_ student @ ITTTecknikulUunivercityUfDuhvryFeenixesUnline ITTTUUDFU.EDU.YOLO

39 Comments You must log in to comment, or create an account
Show Comments

For More Photos and Videos

Latest podcasts

Download Our App

Take TFM with you. Get

New Stories

Load More