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A Tribute to the Guy Who Likes Rush Too Much

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Every year it’s the same story. While the seniors you’ve known for years move on to the big bad real world, an oversized backpacked slew of clueless children quickly replace them. While these fresh-outta-highschool amateurs are nothing but an embarrassment at this point, it’s only a matter of time and selective haze-related incidents before they can hold their own. Unfortunately, Rush isn’t an automatic process, and semester after semester entire houses have to deal with enough man-flirting to make Freddie Mercury cringe.

Lucky for us, there are always a few brothers in the house that take Rush just a little more seriously. While we spend the summer months drinking enough liquor to drown a killer whale, he spends his time scouting out freshmen prospects like it was the Rivals Top 100.

As annoying as his incessant “wanna go eat at campus dining?” texts can be, this brother has a pivotal role in your house, and many fraternities simply couldn’t thrive without him. While most freshman in those first weeks float through campus like a herd of mentally handicapped sheep, Rush Guy is ready to corral them into the life of glorious fraternal leisure that we all hold so dearly.

The thing that sets this brother apart most of all is the fact that he often times isn’t even the Rush Chairman. While the Rush Chair spends a significant portion of his time coordinating and planning, Rush Guy instead listens to kid after kid explain why he decided to keep his major undeclared. Rush Guy is a natural conversationalist, knows the pros and cons of every dorm hall, and will gladly share his knowledge of easy freshmen electives to anyone who will listen.

While Rush Guy’s actions may seem a little obsessive compulsive, he has the best intentions at heart. This brother makes it his personal responsibility to save hoards of freshmen from the doomed sexless life of a GDI. While he treats Rush like work, the lifelong bonds that he creates through his actions are more than worth the effort.

Commitment to your house’s excellence is never a bad thing, and the Rush Guy cements himself year after year as a vital cog in the complex machine that is your chapter. There’s a reason he’s always a top candidate for most requested Big Brother.

Have a beer tonight in honor of your own Rush Guy, because God knows he makes the snooze-fest that is Rush a hell of a lot easier for the rest of us.

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StuffFratPeopleLike (@StuffFratsLike) is a writer for Total Frat Move, and due to his crippling OCD and functional alcoholism he can only understand and write text when presented in a numbered list format. So you're all jerks for calling him out on it. He is a self described Huguenot, and commands a secret sexual fetish for angry internet comments.

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