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Absurd Advice from a Pirate

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There is a lot of advice being solicited out there. In the end, everybody is pretty much full of shit, especially that mustachioed cockgoblin Dr. Phil. We put a lot of faith into “expert” answers. However, an expert is simply someone who knows more and more about less and less until they know absolutely everything about nothing. Because of this, I’ve decided that our readers should ask for advice from completely ridiculous characters, in the hopes that there is more truth in fiction than in fact. In reality though, I just wanted to write as a pirate, so this is my senseless self-justification. Eat a bag of dicks if you don’t like it. Besides, if I wrote a real advice column it would begin and end with the only advice I’d ever give to anyone: drink beer and fuck bitches. That doesn’t leave much substance for an advice column so let the bullshit begin!

This week’s sexpert is a scurvy pirate, who is a master(bater) of the high seas.

Dr. Pirate, how can I balance school with partying?

Yaaaar Scallywags! I be a swashbuckler of the ocean blue, and thar be no time fer school. Livin’ from port to port and poon to poon has taught me a thing er two about life. It’s all about doubloons and chasin’ all the wild minge under tha sun. First of all, ya can’t go tying up yer dingy in any old cove fer too long. You’ll be scrapin’ barnacles off yer hull and pickin crabs out of yer crow’s nest in no time. Secondly, life on the open ocean is all about balance. Make sure ya got yourself a fine pair of sea legs… Cap’n Blue Balls, god rest his soul, lost em both to that wretched whore of a white whale. With three peg legs, it be a little difficult to balance, if you know what I mean. Sometimes, when me an me maties are pillagin’ and plunderin’, we have a hankerin for some grog. And we ask ourselves, how can we be a lootin’, pillagin’, AND drinkin’, all at the same time? An thar be two answers ta that question. You can do them both at the same time, me hearties! However, with a mug in yer hand, you arrr only able to strangle one wench at a time with yer free hand. And the wenches arr a wiley lot, one free hand may not be providin’ the stranglin’ capacity ye needs. Some be powerful enough to crush yer skull between her thighs. Thar be no time fer trifling with salty she devils. With lots of plunderin’ to do in a day, you should do yer drinkin’ before hand. That way, you have both yer mitts free fer wrangling whores and you won’t waste time gettin’ wasted. You’ll be three sheets to the wind when yer firing off yer cannon in her porthole.

Dr. Pirate, I hate using condoms, but I know there are a lot of STDs around. What should I do?

Ho ya hornswaggler, I’ve plundered many a fine booty in me day. According to the pirate code, condoms, as well as wine coolers, arrr forbidden! If we pirates be rapin’ wenches with funny little rubbers on our swords, how could we strike fear into the hearts of other buccaneers? Aye, we might be livin a little longer because our swords might not be as rusty, but thar be no fun in plundering booty with a condom. Pirates don’t ask, we don’t wear rubbers, and we never pull out. We also don’t usually live past the age of 30.

Dr. Pirate, what’s a good gift to get my girlfriend?

Avast! Ye should not have a girlfriend, ya spineless sponge sucker. Why waste yer time on one wench when you can have em all! Don’t be wastin yer pieces of eight on silly little slut trinkets, neither. The only gift ya need to give em is the back of yer hand! Set sail at ramming speed right into her poop deck and pump her filthy bilge so hard that her ballast won’t work right fer days. Then shiver her timbers and make her walk the plank.

Supposing ya sold yer soul to Davy Jones and you actually do have a girlfriend, take heed to tread carefully. She’ll shove her tentacles so far up yer ass, you’ll be coughing up clams with a smile on yer face. She’s got yer balls in a box and if ya don’t appease her with fancy gifts, she may curse ya. The wind will die from yer sails and you’ll be adrift in the doldrums, flogging yer dolphin for eternity. Yaaarrdeeharrr har har.

Follow me on Twitter @RageTheory

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RageTheory (@RageTheory) is a contributing writer for Total Frat Move. He enjoys long walks of whiskey and sodomy on the beach.

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