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After 20 years of serving as the perfect outlet for girls to TyPe LiKe tHiS, guys to log onto lesbian chat rooms to talk scissoring logistics, and aspiring comedians to brilliantly craft 69/yes please/ur mom in response to “asl?”, AOL Instant Messenger will be officially donezo as of December 15.
While many of the practices popularized during AIM’s heyday have seemingly died out (apparently lesbian chat rooms are a lot stricter than they used to be), there has been one enduring facet that, though birthed during the genesis of AIM and instant messaging, has made the jump into the modern-day era of technological communication.
I’m talking about that god-fucking-awful response from the woman of your dreams that takes your would-be relationship status from “married with children” to “it’s complicated.” Unless you’ve got Billy Shakespeare game, you know the drill when it comes to these sorts of scenarios: You and your love interest seem to be vibing well. You say something. She says something. You say something else. She lolz. Then, you get too confident, shoot off an ill-timed or poorly worded message, and then all she needs is just one or two heat-seekers to send you into full-on panic mode.
But not all such potentially boner-blocking messages are created equal. Like Kendrick says, “it’s levels to it, you and I know” and sometimes you just gotta be humble, sit down, assess the damage, and move on from there.
Degree of Shitiness: 3 out of 10
Contingency plan: When it comes to the official rankings of laughter-indicating responses from the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with, it goes “hahahaha,” “hahaha,” “lmao,” and “lol.” “Haha” doesn’t even make the list. Why? Because when your girl responds with “haha,” she’s basically just throwing out a filler response in an attempt to a) let you know that what you said wasn’t as funny as you probably thought it was and/or b) end the conversation. All things considered though, this is a fairly low-level problem, because of the potential for a quick turnaround. Flip through your roladex of witty banter and pick out something good to bump that “haha” up to a “hahaha” or, at the very least, an “lol.” Even if it’s time for that day’s correspondence to end, it’ll end on a high note.
Degree of Shitiness: 5 out of 10
Contingency plan: “Omg stop” is that rusty nail in the foot that could turn into full-on tetanus if not immediately and effectively remedied. You likely misjudged the flow of the conversation, skipped a few steps, and cannon balled into waters that you’re future wife was not even ready to wade through yet. Quickly change the subject here to reestablish a positive flow, maybe throw in a misdirecting “jk,” and keep whatever elicited the “omg stop” in the back pocket for a later conversation.
Degree of Shitiness: 8 out of 10
Contingency plan: If she didn’t even bother to attach an interrogative to that question mark she just sent you, you clearly lost her. Generally, this isn’t something a funny retort or even a well-placed acronym can fix. You’ve likely got some explaining to do, which usually calls for at least a couple sentences, depending on whether the explanation is just clearing up a small misunderstanding or is dealing with something much bigger, like the direction of your relationship. Whatever the “?” is directed towards, you need put some serious thought into your response or you could run the risk of seriously fucking up whatever chances you had with this girl.
Degree of Shitiness: 10 out of 10
Contingency plan: You knew this one was coming, but goddamn if it doesn’t suck even reading it with zero context. You ignored several warning signs here and dove headfirst into the shallow end. Or maybe it’s just that time of the month. Either way, there’s nothing you can really do to immediately rectify this situation. Wait a day or two, and then try reestablishing a connection. There’s a chance that, by then, the sting from what you wrote before has likely subsided. Or the bleeding stopped.
Seriously, stop fucking messaging me, dude. I already told you that I have a boyfriend, and even if I didn’t, I wouldn’t be caught in the near vicinity of you or your baby dick. Even if you paid me a million dollars. Speaking of your baby dick, nice snap, asshole. Have fun going viral.
Degree of Shitiness: Royally Fucked out of 10
Contingency plan: It might be a good idea to read Into the Wild and find out exactly where Christopher McCandless went wrong..