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America: Big Swinging Dick of the World, Part 4

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America is the greatest country on Earth for many reasons. Democracy, freedom, Fun Dip, The Super Bowl, etc, and inventing the word etcetera (and the subsequent abbreviation) so that you don’t have keep listing things when you don’t fucking feel like it. Boom. Advantage America. But ultimately our greatness comes down to the fact that we are the best at making other people dead. If life is a game, you can’t win it if you aren’t alive. That is the simple philosophy that fuels the badassery of the most effective fighting force this planet has ever seen.

Phalanx CIWS

The Phalanx is a close-in weapon system designed to shoot down anti-ship missiles. It’s a radar guided 20 mm Gatling gun that is mounted on a swiveling base attached to the ship. CIWS is pronounced “Sea Whiz” because that’s pretty much what it does. When some bottom tier military fires a missile at one of our ships, the Phalanx automatically targets it and pisses all over it with 20 mm anti-aircraft cannon shells at 4,500 rpm.

The Phalanx derives its name from an ancient Greek warfare formation that was immortalized by the Spartans. Soldiers would march together, as one entity, using shields to block others from getting in while they stabbed the shit out of everybody in their way with spears, pikes, and swords. It is derived from the Greek word phalanx, which literally means “the finger.” It’s the perfect name for an American weapon. Anytime anyone tries to shoot missiles at one of our ships, we give them the finger and send their outdated technology to the bottom of the ocean… right before we turn their cities into parking lots.

AA12 Automatic Shotgun

If I could sell my soul to own any one item, it would be the AA12. It’s a freaking fully automatic shotgun. It has a 32 round drum magazine and cutting edge technology that reduces the recoil to practically nothing. I almost cum in my pants just imagining how gnarly this thing must be to shoot. It’s built so solidly that you don’t even have to clean it… ever. If only they could apply this technology to sluts. Condoms would become an ancient relic of penile repression.

The AA12 has been integrated into the Hammer platform, which allows you to mount two side-by-side AA12s onto any vehicle. The system can be remotely controlled from inside the vehicle. You can also mount the AA12 on a robot, or any other terrifying Sci-fi death machine you (and our military scientists) can imagine.

The versatility of different types of shotgun ammo makes the AA12 even more badass. You can load one of the guns with salt rounds to deal with protesting hippies and the other gun with buckshot or frag12 grenades, which tear terrorist fucks to pieces. Either way, the AA12 is unprecedented in its ability to bend bitches over and pepper them with loads of lead.

B-52 Stratofortress

Nothing has been associated with dick shrinking awesomeness for as long as the B-52 Stratofortress. Known more commonly as BUFF (Big Ugly Fat Fucker), the B-52 has been causing penises to shrivel since the 50’s. It was designed as our go to strategic bomber for dropping hydrogen bombs on Soviet skanks during the Cold War. It was an integral part of the Strategic Air Command, so it’s no joke to say that the B-52 is a big fat fucker in the SAC. Pilots had to be a minimum rank of Major to deal with the heavy moral burden associated with destroying all human life on the planet. It’s so beastly that it’s planned to be in service until 2040. Referred to as a flying dump truck, it has a 185ft wingspan and 8 monster engines that can unleash over 70,000 lbs of freedom onto any shit heads who waive their little dicks in the wind at America.

America hazed the shit out of Vietnam with B-52s in the 70’s. We dropped over 3 million tons of bombs on Charlie. Even though America eventually pulled out of Nam, we blew a huge 50-roper all over that country’s face when we did. Our load was so epic, Nam’s eyes are still burning from it. We fucked Vietnam’s face up so hard that the rest of the world still brown bags her when they want to hang out.

Part 5 coming soon. If you have any suggestions for military weapons/vehicles, leave them in the comments along with the usual trolling. I can actually in no way promise that part 5 will come soon, or if it will even come at all. Sometimes I get an idea and I can go all night long. Other times I cum once, twice, thrice, or whatever the fuck four times is and pass the fuck out… Deal with it.

Follow me on Twitter @RageTheory

If you missed Parts 1, 2, and 3 of the critically acclaimed “America: Big Swinging Dick of the World” series you can find them here:

America: Big Swinging Dick of the World, Part 1
America: Big Swinging Dick of the World, Part 2
America: Big Swinging Dick of the World, Part 3

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RageTheory (@RageTheory) is a contributing writer for Total Frat Move. He enjoys long walks of whiskey and sodomy on the beach.

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