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Every once in a while, a laughably bad list is published in order to do something. Maybe it’s just to troll the greater internet, or maybe the author really likes being verbally abused by angry 20-somethings with too much time on their hands. This is one of those lists, compiled by The Daily Meal, a site I had previously never heard of.
For reference, their scoring criteria:
Music – That includes juke boxes, DJs, and live music. – As long as the bar had some sort of method for drunk college students to fist-pump and screech at the top of their lungs to “Livin’ On A Prayer,” a point was assigned.
An outdoor area – Students need somewhere to go to cool off from the dance floor, after all.
A selection of ten beers or more on the menu
Dance floor – What bar is complete without a cesspool of bumping and grinding?
Liquor – Mixed drinks and shots get you drunk quicker, no further explanation necessary.
The ability to get a beer for $3 or less on a weekend night – Let’s face it, college students are not known for their deep pockets or refined tastes. The cheaper, the better, no matter the taste.
Beer pitcher availability – More cost-efficient than single beers, pitchers are a convenient way to buy a round of drinks, without spending a pretty penny.
Shot specials – Whether it’s a free shot with a beer or $1 jello shots, we need it all.
Drinking games – Beer pong isn’t just for the basement of a fraternity house. Although illegal in some states, public drinking games add a little something extra to your classic college bar.
Distance (less than ½ mile from campus) – No one, drunk or sober, wants to have a long trip home from the bar.
Food served after 10 p.m. on the weekends – There is something exquisite, and necessary, about that bite of food when you’re under the influence.
No cover charge – See number 6.
Some of those make sense. Some, like availability of food during prime raging hours, are a bit odd. Without further ado, here is the list:
25. 901 Bar – University of Southern California – Los Angeles
24. Rick’s American Cafe – University of Michigan – Ann Arbor, Michigan
23. He’s Not Here – University of North Carolina – Chapel Hill, N.C.
22. Timothy’s Bar & Grill – University of Dayton – Dayton, Ohio
21. Indigo – Pennsylvania State University – State College, Pennsylvania
20. Red Square Bar & Grill – University of Vermont – Burlington, Vt.
19. The Sink – CU Boulder – Boulder, Colo.
18. Coupe’s – University of Virginia – Charlottesville, Virginia
17. Old Stone Jug – Colgate University – Hamilton, New York
16. Hemingway’s Cafe – University of Pittsburgh – Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
15. Salty Dog Saloon – University of Florida – Gainesville, Fla.
14. The C.I. – Ohio University – Athens, Ohio
13. The Dizzy Rooster – University of Texas – Austin, Texas
12. Pavlov’s – University of South Carolina – Columbia, S.C.
11. Top of the Stairs – Virginia Tech – Blacksburg, Va.
10. Zuma Grill – Arizona State University – Tempe, Ariz.
9. The Tombs – Georgetown University – Washington D.C.
8. The TApp Room – Appalachian State University – Boone, N.C.
7. Brothers Bar & Grill – University of Iowa – Iowa City, Iowa
6. Kollege Klub – University of Wisconsin – Madison, Wis.
5. Bourbon Street – University of Georgia – Athens, Georgia
4. Bullwinkle’s Saloon – Florida State University – Tallahassee, Florida
3. The Wagon Wheel – University of Kansas – Lawrence, Kan.
2. Knight Library – University of Central Florida – Orlando, Florida
1. The Boot – Tulane University – New Orleans, Louisiana
This list is a trainwreck. The Tombs in Georgetown and TOTS at Virginia Tech both made the top 10. I’ve been to both these bars, and if they’re the best that America has to offer of collegiate shitshow establishments, then we’re fucking up. The amount of SEC representation is pretty underwhelming, considering SEC Greek bars are supposedly a thing of pure, debauched beauty. It’s like the list was written by someone who only ever frequented Big 10 and ACC schools. No Auburn or Alabama bars, but COLGATE makes the list? Also, University of Vermont? Really? I don’t know about the Top 5, so sound off in the comments. The Boot is supposedly the kind of bar drunk Greeks live for, but the polling on that consisted of only one drunk buddy of mine that goes there.
All this list is making me want to do is compile my own. So, if you’ve got better bar recommendations, send them my way.
[via The Daily Meal]