======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ==== ======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ====
(*A fraternity Rush Chair and a random Active sit in steakhouse waiting to meet a Rush*)
Active: So, who’s this kid we’re meeting?
Rush Chair: Some legacy. No idea who his dad is though. Figured I’d throw the kid a dinner, see if he’s worth a shit or not. Thanks for helping.
Active: I came for the free beer and steak. Don’t confuse my motives.
Rush Chair: Yeah, I know.
Active: Why didn’t we pick this kid up?
Rush Chair: I offered. He said he’d meet us here. Oh shit I think that’s him…
(*The Rush walks into the restaurant, decked out in Chubbies, Sperrys, and a Brooks Brothers oxford/bowtie/blazer combo. He’s also rocking Costas with croakies and a backwards Polo hat.*)
Rush: Sup bros?
Active: What in the fuck?
Rush Chair: Uh, hi. You’re Mike?
Rush: Fuck yeah. Sup? You didn’t bring any slams? No sloots? Nothin’ to smash?
Active: Ohhhh dude. Fuck you.
Rush Chair: We just wanted to meet you first. We actually have a rush party next weekend at the house, that’ll be a good time.
Rush: Nice bro, nice. I just wanna fuckin’ rage balls, man. Just rage harder than balls, really. Full on ballsack. Balls and sack. Full scrote ragefest. Like, I’m just over all of it, all this high school shit, you know?
Rush Chair: Uh, yeah, for sure. Yeah high school starts to suck ass after a while. You’re about to enter into a glorious new world.
Rush: Dude, you’re telling me. I’m fuckin’ tired of trying to rage with amateurs. Like last night I was at this weak ass party. I mean yeah, there were probably about, uh, 300 people there and yeah pretty much all the slams were dimes and DTF as fuck. I mean I got pussy and blacked out and shit, but it’s like, whatever.
Rush Chair: That sounds awesome, actually.
Rush: Pffft, I guess if you haven’t done it a million times. But like, for example, my bro was there, and I was like, “Bro, let’s bong some beers.” He was all like, “Sure.” Then he went down and I poured whiskey and Everclear into the bong and he started choking and puked like a fag. That’s when I was like fuck this and slammed some slam. Anyway, I ended up drinking about 17 beers and nine shots, plus I took four whiskey bongs.
Active: You didn’t do any of that.
Rush: Uh you want me to prove it? Not really sure how I can. I guess you can smell my dick and count all the empties in my car.
Active: I’d rather just beat the truth out of you at this point.
Rush Chair: (easing the tension) ANYWAY. So do you have any questions about the fraternity?
Rush: Actually can you hold that thought? I’m gonna go do some rails in the bathroom. You bros want any?
Rush Chair: No….
(*Rush gets up and goes to the bathroom*)
Active: Dude, FUCK this kid.
Rush Chair :Yeah…you wanna bail?
Active: No, I want free steak and drinks, and for this kid to die in a fire.
(*Rush runs out of the bathroom, his nose is bleeding, but he doesn’t realize it. Rush Chair starts to freak.*)
Rush Chair: Dude, DUDE, your nose is bleeding.
Rush: (*laughs*) OH SHIT! My sinuses are raw man. Did so many rails last night at that weak ass high school party. So many. I did a rail off my slam’s wet pussy.
Active: How did that even work?
Rush: I don’t ask the frat gods how shit works. I just thank them for blessing me with a yolked frat stick.
Active: Yeah, uh, you’re not in a fraternity, and on the slim chance you receive a bid, don’t ever call it a frat stick, ever. Fuck you.
Rush: Fuck me? Fuck you, bro. I’m a fuckin’ 5 star prospect. See that Rover outside? That’s MY Rover? I’m a fuckin’ legacy, bro!
Rush Chair: Do you have any questions about the fraternity at all? Or are you just gonna sit here and try to convince us of how frat you are?
Rush: I pretty much have it all figured out. I read TFM like, pretty much all day, plus it’s no big deal but I actually started a frat at my high school. It was all the cool kids, LAX players, the golf team, no theater fags or liberal ass school newspaper writers. We hazed the freshmen so bad. I put a Sharpie up a kid’s ass and made him sing the national anthem. It was uncapped too. I told him we blackballed him and he was like, “But you didn’t give me a blackball,” and I was like, “Check your prostate, bro.”
Rush Chair: Right…I assume your dad told you about our real, actual fraternity though?
Rush: My dad? Why the fuck would my dad know? He’s a geed. I’m trying to get a legal separation from him because of it. Still gonna make him pay for my school and buy me a new Rover for the college slams. It’s a TFM.
Rush Chair: You’re dad WASN’T in our chapter? Or even our fraternity? You said you were a legacy!!!!!!
Rush: Yeah, because I’m already in a frat, my high school frat.
Active: (to Rush Chair) Permission to murder him?
Rush Chair: (to Active) Hold on. (to Rush) I’d like to extend you a bid.
Rush: Called that shit. Tell me where to put my John Hancock then point me to which slam I can show my big frat cock.
(*Rush Chair hands Rush a bid card. Rush signs*)
Rush Chair: (smiling) Welcome to the fraternity, pledge.
Rush: (victoriously) I’M SO FUCKING FRAT!!!!!!!
–6 Months Later—
Rush: (crying into the phone) Mom, Dad, please come pick me up. I hate it here. I hate it here. This is awful.
(*Rush runs out of the house crying*)
Active: So that was your plan all along?
Rush Chair: Well, I hadn’t signed an “example pledge” yet, and he seemed perfect. You know what my favorite part of that rush dinner six months ago was?
Active: What’s that?
Rush Chair: That kid went so far as to give himself a nosebleed just to convince us he was doing cocaine, and was thus frat. What a piece of shit.
Active: Man, it’s awesome how stupid people are. Especially when you can take advantage of it for your own amusement.
Rush Chair: Amen.