INT. A BEACH HOUSE IN FLORIDA – EVENING
(*Twenty or so fraternity guys and sorority girls are getting absolutely shitfaced drunk after a long day of getting absolutely shitfaced drunk. In the kitchen a group of guys and girls are loudly playing drinking games, downing Bud Lights like they’re an antidote, and sobriety is poison.
In the living room a small freshman JI is passed out. His back is badly sunburned, save for streaks of white skin that were rubbed with sunscreen after he passed out on the beach that spell out “I Love Dick” inside of a heart with a dick through it, instead of an arrow.
In the bathroom, a guy is doing blow with two girls and attempting to figure out how to coax them into a threesome. His method up to this point has been “give them blow.” He’s off to a good start.
It’s a nice little time.*)
INT. BEACH HOUSE BATHROOM – CONTINUOUS
(*BLOW GUY does a line of coke and rises, zestful and triumphant.*)
Blow Guy: (to BLOW GIRLS 1 and 2) So…what’s the craziest thing you girls have ever done?
(*BLOW GIRL 1 does a line.*)
Blow Girl 1: Does railing lines with some guy I just met count?
Blow Guy: Nope. We need to top that. You need to double it up. Maybe even do something three times as crazy.
Blow Girl 2: What?
INT. BEACH HOUSE KITCHEN – CONTINUOUS
(*An intense game of flip cup is going on. People on both sides of the table are screaming. The game is down to the last two cups, a guy and a girl. The girl miraculously wins. The table erupts.*)
Angry Guy: YOU PUSSY!
Pussy Drinker: SHIT! NO!
Flip Cup Girl: Suck it bitch!
(*There’s a stern knock on the door. No one pays attention.*)
INT. BEACH HOUSE BATHROOM – CONTINUOUS
(*The energy in the room is ten fold what it was moments before. Blow Girl 2 does a line.*)
Blow Guy: (rapidly) YOU MEAN YOU GUYS HAVE NEVER KISSED BEFORE EVER!?!?
Blow Girl 1: NO NEVER AND WE’RE BEST FRIENDS WHAT’S UP WITH THAT!?!?!
Blow Girl 2: WE ABSOLUTELY SHOULD!
Blow Girl 1: WE ABSOLUTELY SHOULD!
Blow Guy: YOU ABSOLUTELY SHOULD!
(*Blow Girl 1 and Blow Girl 2 start furiously making out. Blow Guy’s eyes, which were already bulging, look like they’re about to pop out of his head.
A loud knock can be heard from the front door.*)
INT. BEACH HOUSE KITCHEN – CONTIUOUS
(*The front door opens and several police officers walk in.*)
Cop 1: (shouting) When we knock, you answer!
Pussy Drinker: FUCK! THE POLICE!
Angry Drinker: FUCK THE POLICE!
(*Half the house attempts to run out the back door. Several guys grab their coolers and drag them across the house, tripping over each other. The cooler convoy creates a bottleneck at the backdoor.*)
Blow Guy: (from the bathroom) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
(*Blow Girl 1 and Blow Girl 2 run out of the bathroom. They too navigate the coolers and run out the back door. Blow Guy isn’t far behind.*)
Blow Guy (CONT’D): Don’t leave! Let’s all fuck simultaneously! It can be anywhere!!! I WILL FUCK YOU BOTH ON MY GRANDMOTHER’S NURSING HOME BED I DON’T CARE THIS MUST HAPPEN!
(*Blow Guy climbs over the coolers and runs out the backdoor after his girls.*)
Cop 1: NOBODY MOVE!
(*Everyone freezes. Police move people away from the exits and line them up against a wall. Other officers search the house.*)
Cop 1 (CONT’D): IDs out, now.
Pussy Drinker: Uh, excuse me, um, officer, but I don’t think you can enter a premises without a, um, search warrant or permission…
Cop 1: Yeah well we just did, and if you think the judge is going to give a shit, he won’t. He hates spring breakers. All the locals do. You are a plague. Drunk locusts that leave our town covered in trash and semen. Goddamn all of you.
Angry Drinker: FUCK THAT! WE HAVE RIGHTS! Ever heard of the constitution? It’s just this thing that got invented so that I can do this…
(*Angry Drinker reaches into his pocket. Cop 1 pulls out a tazer, assuming Angry Drinker is reaching for a weapon. Angry Drinker aggressively pulls his hand out of his pocket to reveal his middle finger (he’s flipping the cop off). It all happens so fast that Cop 1 instinctively tazes Angry Drinker, who seizes up and collapses to the ground like an epileptic watching intense Japanese cartoons.
Angry Drinker lays on the ground shaking, he has also pissed himself.*)
Pussy Drinker: OH MY GOD!!!
Flip Cup Girl: (Crying) We’re sorry! Please don’t arrest us.
Cop 1: We’ll see about that. We’re searching the house right now. If we find anything, I mean anything, it’s all your asses. So if y’all wanna fess up to anything, now’s the time.
(*Everyone is silent.*)
Cop 1 (CONT’D): I can wait.
(*The radio on Cop 1’s hip begins to buzz.*)
Police Radio: We have shots fired at 1st and Santa Rosa, near the beach. There is a large crowd of civilians. Most are intoxicated and ignoring our requests to evacuate. Multiple injuries confirmed. All units respond. All units respond.
(*Everyone remains silent.*)
Cop 1: We don’t have anywhere better to be right now…
Police Radio: There appear to be multiple shooters, they’ve barricaded themselves in a public restroom on the beach. They have hostages and they are exchanging fire with officers on the scene.
Cop 1: You see, it’s punks like you that ruin this town. You think you can come down here and do whatever you want.
Police Radio: This is sergeant Michaels, I’m on the scene. The shooters are heavily armed and wearing body armor. We need back up! We are out gunned and have no way of stopping them at present. THEY’RE DOING WHATEVER THEY WANT!
(*Heavy gunfire and screams can be heard over the radio.*)
Police Radio (CONT’D): OH GOD!
Cop 1: As far as I’m concerned you lot are the worst sort of people in this town.
Police Radio: We’ve confirmed that the shooting suspects are all members of the Los Zetas drug cartel. Miguel “The Machete” Rodriguez is wanted for multiple homicides, as is Tito “El Violador Loco” Espinoza.
(*Cop 2 comes out of the bathroom.*)
Cop 2: Sir, we found cocaine in the bathroom.
(*Cop 1 pulls the radio off his belt.*)
Cop 1: I’ve got nine suspects in custody, most underage and intoxicated and we have found narcotics on the premises. Requesting back up at 3rd and Santa Rosa.
Police Radio: This is sergeant Michaels, ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?!
(*More gunfire and screams can be heard over the radio.
Almost immediately, several police cars pull up to the house and half a dozen police officers burst inside.*)
Cop 1: Does anyone want to confess to the cocaine?
(*All the fraternity guys look at each other, unsure what to do, because they know it’s Blow Guy’s cocaine. All of the sudden, GUY 1 comes forward.*)
Guy 1: It’s my cocaine.
Cop 1: Okay great, you’re under arrest.
Guy 1: Wasn’t I already under arrest?
Cop 1: Well now you’re under more arrest.
(*Then, out of nowhere, GUY 2 steps up.*)
Guy 2: It’s my cocaine.
(*GUY 3 follows suit.*)
Guy 3: It’s my cocaine too.
Guy 4: The cocaine is mine.
Pussy Drinker: And, uh, the cocaine is mine.
Guy 5: The cocaine is mine as well.
(*Everyone smiles confidently at each other, proud of their solidarity.*)
Cop 1: Y’all know this isn’t a Spartacus situation, where everyone taking the heat is going to get you off. I’m just gonna book all of you for possession now. But actually, I guess they ended up crucifying everyone at the end of Spartacus, so it sort of is like that. Ha. (to the rest of the officers) Alright let’s book ’em all.
Police Radio: SERGEANT MICHAELS HERE! I’M PINNED DOWN. THREE OFFICERS ABANDONDED ME TO HAND OUT MIPs ON THE BEACH! A speed boat has pulled into the shallows and and the suspects are making their way to it with three hostages. One male, two female, all naked. They appear to be high on cocaine.
(*A rattle of machine gun fire can be heard.*)
Police Radio (CONT’D): I’M HIT! (In the background) El Violador Loco se escapa de nuevo!
Cop 1: (to the other officers) Job well done boys. Real bang up police work here. Don’t forget to grab the gay kid passed out on the couch. He’s gonna be a hit up at county.