======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ==== ======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ====
Derek Jeter is a first ballot hall-of-famer. Growing up, he was my idol, and he was a big part of why I played shortstop for the majority of my baseball career. With only a few games left in his illustrious career, it’s time to take a look back at some of Jeter’s greatest moments and remember why we call him The Captain.
The Post-Shack Gift Baskets
Despite what he wants you to believe (denying giving gift baskets is something that someone who gives gift baskets would do) the best moment in Jeter history came in 2011, when it was leaked that The Captain offers gift baskets to shackers on their way out the door. It’s a very classy move that says, “You’re welcome for the sex. Here’s some semi-valuable memorabilia, because I’m a legend.” After sneaking girls in through the back entrance of his condo, Jeter does what he does best: a little contact hitting. Then, in the morning, he sends them on their way with a gift basket full of signed shit, including a baseball, which is ridiculously hilarious. Did he ever think to switch up the gifts included in this basket? Fuck no. He’s just as consistent in his shacker gift-giving as he is on the field.
This never-changing gift basket-giving is the ultimate power move, especially when you’re running through models and actresses at record speed. Eventually, he probably ran out of new girls to fuck and got with the same chick twice without even realizing it, then sent her on her way with the same gift basket. Classic Jeter.
Jeter is so into himself that he allegedly watches his own highlights while getting domed up, much like how Patrick Bateman stares at himself in the mirror and flexes while hitting it doggy-style. How else is Jeter supposed to be sure that the chick whose mouth he is currently making love to is 100 percent certain she’s in the presence of a baseball god? While watching his highlights and getting head, he allegedly pounds his chest and says, “Yeah, Jeets.” It takes a special type of animal to pull off shit like this.
Taking your girl to a club is a bad idea to begin with. Clubs suck, and bringing sand to the beach is just stupid. But taking your girl within a one-mile radius of Derek Jeter is an even worse idea. One man found this out the hard way. He thought he was in for a fun night of grinding on his girl that would end in sloppy, drunk sex. Unfortunately for him, Jeets had different plans.
“Throw From The Mound”
How many people can look the president in the face and tell him what to do? Of course, Jeter was just looking out for Bush’s wellbeing so he wouldn’t get booed. Class act. Bush responded by throwing a dart that basically said, “See that missile, al-Qaeda? There’s more where that came from.”
Jeter has run through some big-name tail in his life. While I’m envious of his conquests, goddammit, do I respect him for it.
You’re my hero, Jeter. Now that you’re retired, you can concentrate on making more off-the-field memories for all of us to enjoy. Re2pect..