There’s no other way to say it: the first Annabelle movie was a steaming bag of dickfarts. Released back in 2014, it was a spinoff of The Conjuring and it felt like a lazily-executed, shameless cash grab. It was super corny, boring, and unintentionally hilarious, and the furthest possible thing from scary. I’ve seen YouTube videos of napping kittens scarier than that damn movie (that might just be because I’m allergic to cats, but nevertheless).
So when I heard they were releasing a new one, I didn’t give half a rat’s ass. But once it hit theaters last week, I started seeing some really good reviews and some surprisingly super positive word of mouth. Well, well, well; say it ain’t so. So I bought a ticket, checked it out, and was pleasantly surprised. This movie is dope. I liked it a lot, and it’s light-years beyond the turd of an original in damn near every way possible.
It’s rare to see a sequel that’s better than the original, especially this much better. Granted the original was clearly NOT a very tough act to follow, but still. There are really only a few cases where the sequel was better than the first go-around. The Dark Knight, Terminator 2, and maybe the second time I dated one of my crazy exes after she finally started taking medication. And I’m tempted to say Toy Story 3, but that’s not a sequel; it was a cruel scientific experiment to make millennials cry their eyes out, and it succeeded with flying colors.
This movie was scarier and more uncomfortable than the comments you see under a Wally Bryton article. It’s not perfect — the coloring in the cinematography is kinda dull, the plot moves slower than a tortoise on quaaludes, and there’s a distractingly hot nun in it. But hey, no movie is perfect other than Air Bud: Golden Receiver and Kim Kardashian’s sex tape.
To sum up the plot, there are some nervous orphans and a possessed creepy doll and the devil is doing his thing and blah blah blah. I don’t wanna spoil too much; it’s worth watching with an empty mind. Lucky for me, my mind is always empty, so I was good to go.
Sure, the flick is definitely a little generic and predictable, but there’s nothing wrong with a good horror flick that feels kinda old school. Obviously it’s always phenomenal to have horror masterpieces that push the genre forward (Get Out, The Cabin in the Woods, that grainy home video of a drunk and shirtless David Hasselhoff eating a hamburger), but it’s still fun to see something that’s straightforward but very well crafted. As a certified hardcore horror nerd, I definitely approve.
If ya dig horror movies, confusingly attractive young nuns, jump scares, and creepy dolls with whom Jeff Dunham would never even associate, Annabelle: Creation is worth a watch in my opinion. Check it out and then immediately angrily contact me about how much you hated it..
Image via YouTube